Tuesday, April 26, 2005

ENTJ, still

ENTJ - Commandant
You scored 90% I to E, 26% N to S, 66% F to T, and 21% J to P!

The single word to describe your type is fieldmarshal or commandant.
You also belong to the larger group called rationals. You love to
organize others in matters of logic. Even as a child, you likely
naturally assumed the role of leader in groups. You share your
personality type with 2% of the population. When you lead, you are more
concerned with policy and goals than rules and regulations. You have a
tendency to become a workaholic. You are impatient with repetition of
error. You are friendly and outgoing, though. You don't mince words and
willingly share your many strong opinions.

As a romantic partner, you are inspiring, but also somewhat
challenging. You have a strong desire to be in charge and your clear
need for an organized life and home can be overwelming to a partner.
You like to confront conflict directly, discuss problems unflinchingly,
solve them, then put them behind you. However, you can be too impatient
or unwilling to take the time to listen to your partner and give them a
chance to express themselves fully so that they also have a sense of
closure. You are generally uncomfortable dealing with emotions, so you
are apt to dismiss your partner's emotions as illogical. You feel most
appreciated when your partner asks for your opinions, takes your
adivce, and relies on you to get a job done right.

Your group summary: rationals (NT)

Your type summary: ENTJ







My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 86% on I to E
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 30% on N to S
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 69% on F to T
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 6% on J to P
Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on Ok Cupid

Monday, April 18, 2005

Posting

ok, so now I am posting in three places. Crazy, right? I guess I will need to decide on just one place...
Today has gone well. I got up, did some putzing around, ran on the treadmill thinking to take Detta out after for her run. Ha! She is getting so bad! She was right behind me and then she disappeared. Behind this wooden fence where we run...it borders some back yards...anyway she disappeared and it took me several minutes to get her to come back, I was yelling at the top of my lungs (probably frightend some neighbors). So we did just about a mile and we came home.
My neighbor was in the yard and I said hi to her (we haven't spoken since Bre yelled at her daughter) and she came over and told me that they misdiagnosed her all that time ago. The doctor said it was Bel's palsy but it was cancer and now they think it is too far gone to catch. She is doing chemo now...very sad. Her daughter has moved in with her. I told her I would tell mommy and she would have her prayer group pray. Dang, very sad.
Then I came in and ran the last mile on the treadmill.
And now I am going to shower and get to the post office...!

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Sunday

Bre leapt out of bed to pick up Eric...Bre took a call from Celeste after he got home and got Laura's grades...eek. We went grocery shopping.
Came home and cooked breakfast (even though it was getting close to 2 pm) and we all ate except Eric who didn't hear me say potatoes when I offered him "eggs and potatoes."
We were going to go somewhere together but it didn't work out today either. I went home after looking at the paper (Job section) while Bre was out with Laura. Then they came up after Laura went babysitting for Allison. We cooked out with Amy and put down some plastic in the yard.
After they left I watched Judging Amy (we were both dissatisfied with recent episodes) and Desperate Housewives. I went to bed pretty early (mostly because my head hurt too much to read or watch tv or even to blog....)

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Saturday

Got up, went to choir practice. Melissa was leading again. Mary did come at the end though to tell everyone she was alive and thank everyone for their good wishes.
Went back to Bre's, they were all cleaning house. Laura had plans then cancelled them, Eric planned an overnight (Jordon's). Bre and I came home and he went running while I did some things around here...not much, though, I had a headache.
Then we headed back down again and went out to eat with Laura. We had a waiter who either really hates his job or was just having a terrible night. He was rude...while I was giving my order he was looking out past my shoulder and then when I stopped speaking he snapped back to me and said, I'm sorry, what was that? He actually walked away with our orders and came back to ask what we ordered again, very snappily, like it was our fault he couldn't remember. And no, we did not make any special orders at all.
Then Bre and I watched Cho:Revolution while Laura went to do sociology (observations) with Rachel at Dunn Bros.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Friday night

Friday night...no idea what I did. Yes, I did go to Minneapolis. And we went out to eat? I stopped to get gas, I remember that, oh yeah, we were going to go see a movie but didn't, we went to St Paul and Borders, and bre got me the shel silverstein book...Which is lovely.

Had a good run

today...went 2 miles inside (treadmill) then the last 2 outside with the dog. She was really lagging behind at the end but I know she loves to get out there. I felt very strong coming back...not fast still but getting back on track. You know, I think it has been a year since I got orthopedic inserts...about that long. Hopefully this year's marathon will go well....

Found some lists

Here is one from 2001
smart, funny, honest, loving, attractive, sporty, nice in bed, different culturally, interesting to talk to, interested in books/reading, teaches me/ learns from me, speaks another language, loving and tender, open minded, we play together (do puzzles, read to each other, dance, cook, we have friends over, fix cars, yoga), he likes himself, open to new experiences, all this or something better.
from Sept 2002
honest, loving, kind, attractive, faithful, learning and growing, reading
Dec 2002
my relationship is loving, giving, growing and honest.

Yeah, Bre is all these things...I think "fix cars" can be translated to fixing things, bathrooms and gardens....

Thursday, April 14, 2005

conversation with kayeleigh

Had a very long conversation with Kayeleigh tonight. It was nice. It was a little ackward, and seemed kind of forced a few times. That isn't new, there are lots of things we have not talked about and I guess that is the way it will be until we either talk about the things we aren't talking about or agree not to talk about them.
The interesting thing was talking about Bre and I and she was asking what I love about him, is he everything I ever dreamed of, those kinds of questions. Is he? I want to see my old list...but for now, I will just try to think of it.
Intelligent, yes he is, passionate about something, yes (several things, I think), spiritual, yes, and in ways that I love (Buddhism, Zen, Science of Mind, meditation), good with kids, yes he is, physically attractive to me, yes he is, fit (there may have been some clause on this one, something about not being always at the gym but more like a managable long term health stuff) yes, for sure, loves me, yes (hard to believe I had to add that to my list, but there you go), reads, yes, shit, where is my list?
hold on a sec...

Disturbing

Ok, so I think I have officially told 5 people the same story (not counting what I wrote here) about the test I took on Tuesday. My life has become truly sad and miniscule if I am still talking about a test that I took several days ago for a job I am not even very interested in....
Whew...gotta get a life.
Yikes.

Wed night choir

Went well, it was fun and I always feel good afterwards. I went to Bre's and the kids were both up, we had a lovely chat...I do miss them when they are not around, even with all this recent craziness. I volunteered to do some flyers for choir...not like I am doing much around here.
Anyway, while I was waiting for Bre I was reading Kitchen Table Wisdom (Rachel Naomi Remen) and I came across some lovely passages. I really enjoy her work...listen to this quote:

Fear is the friction in all transitions.

Isn't that great? I love that line.

I am feeling better today. I sent off a loooong email to Bre yesterday but he was out of his "cube" so didn't get it till today. He understood what I was talking about and we are going to talk more...
Ok, I am being compelled to clean...my space is tooooooo crowded with junk. More later.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I like this picture thing

I might need to switch all my blogging here...

Isn't she lovely.... Posted by Hello

Detta 2004 Dec Posted by Hello

Aria 2004 Dec Posted by Hello

Milano 2004 Posted by Hello

Planting

Yay, yippee!!! Planting time is here! Ok, not really. But we are getting close! I have about 60 seedlings started and plan to order dirt this week. I am also going to get vermiculite so that we can add it to the raised beds...they are too cool, really. I just love seeing these seedlings pushing their way toward the sun! Woo hoo! Yay!!!

Change

So, now my question is about wanting someone to change. I know that that is not a healthy thing, to be in a relationship with someone and wanting them to change. But as my wise roomie said, it is difficult to be with someone and *not* want them to change. At what point, though, is it really unhealthy?
I have been considering this issue and I decided, I think I can live with his family not being the way I want it to be...after all, it is his family and who am I to say this is *the* way? I mean, I know I am not the one. I do. I know that my way is merely my way and not the right way. And I think that over time I can get used to it...as long as I stop putting myself out the way I have been. I think I can.
But I am worried about financial stuff. I have worked long and hard to create healthy ideas about money and I manage to maintain them 80% of the time (yeah, ok, a lot less since I have been out of work for 6 months). I do think I usually maintain a pretty good attitude about it. And it is hard for me to hear, see and be affected by his financial consciousness...before, when I was working I just kind of threw money at the issue...If he felt like he didn't have enough for something, I tried to help out. Now it is a lot more in the forefront because I don't have the income, and he is sometimes offering to help me, but it feels different. It seems worriesome and I do not want to add to anyone's money worries. I do not want to be helped out if that means he and his family might have to suffer (yes, ok, I know no one is starving but you get what I mean). I am just not comfortable with that.
bleh.
moving on to a new topic, damnit

Italian night

So then yesterday I went to take a test for the county for Financial worker. The test went ok, I was flying through it then I got to the math part...there was no calculous or anything but dang. I should have known that when it said "you may bring a calculator" that really meant "you better bring a calculator" but I didn't and so in the end I was writing and writing and writing, all this silly adding, averaging, multiplying and dividing...I mean I filled up both sides of the scratch paper! Foolish me.
Then I fired up the grill to get it ready for cooking...it is made of cast iron so you cure it the same way you would a skillet. That was interesting, my first experience building a coal fire...
Bre came home and went for a run...we at the lovely grilled (in tin foil) veggies and burnt potatoes (yeah, ok, so...it was my first attempt) and then went to the Italian group.
I went in and there was a woman signing...I was really surprised. In the end we chatted (in ASL) for about half an hour. She was fascinating too! (or maybe I have been out of the loop too long....?) She is deaf and grew up traveling...she speaks something like 17 languages and also signs 6 I think she said. Woah, it was cool. She encouraged me to come on Fridays for ASL night.
We came home and watched an old recorded episode of Enterprise then did the crossword. After the lights were out I spewed out all that stuff I have been going on and on about here...Now, I have had lots of time to think about it so I think it came out nice enough...Yes, I know, midnight is not a good time for a discussion. I just could not keep it in any longer!
He wrote an email this morning about it and we spoke on the phone briefly (just) and I am optimistic about how it will all turn out. I guess.

Spanish night

Hey, so I forgot to tell about going to Spanish night at Barnes and Noble. So Bre had his board meeting to go to so I went out to the Spanish group...it was fun! I didn't speak much but I did feel pretty good about how much I was understanding...
Then I met a couple of cool women...one had just stopped working at her job (maternaty leave...but I think she actually quit, not sure about that detail) and was talking about she and her friend and how they are hoping to start teaching spanish to little kids, starting a business. She seemed very interesting.
Then close to the end a woman came in and she was interesting too. She spend some years in Armenia...she spoke Russian and Armenian (and spanish) and I really found her stories fascinating. I hope to run into them again. I have got to get a better support system around me!
Also there were a couple of guys there, I guessed them in their early twenties...21, 22. Yeah, one of them turned out to be 28! So much for guessing ages. I have to admit I was eyeing one of them for my roomie...he was tall,dark and handsome...(though not bald smile).
Got home and Bre and I had popcorn. He read the rest of the evening...which is what started me on my recent rant. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself...
I think this is the hardest part about being here right now. Apart from feeling like a total slug for not working, and feeling kind of lonely all day, the hardest part is that I do not have friends around me like I have in other places and Bre really takes the brunt of all my crappy depressed feelings. I know that it isn't healthy to depend on your partner to meet all your needs...but since he is the only one around, I know that I do it.
I do rant to my roomie, but I know that is probably tiresome to her, too.

Hmmmm

I started out with a post about wanting someone to change, but then I had a conversation with a friend and now I find that it is not on my mind the same way. At any rate, this is only a first post to see how it goes...

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

analysis

So, I spent a loooong time last night analyzing my situation. Because that is what I do. I think about things, sometimes at such length I lose my original point. Ok, the truth is *often* until I lose my original point. Then this morning's reading from Science of Mind magazine talked about how "apparent" problems are opportunities (I wanted to snort out loud...not feeling very spiritual this morning) and I felt a little new age guilt at having reached such nasty conclusions in my head last night.

Ok. Originally I was upset because I didn't feel like my needs were being met...or even considered. Which led me to an entire discussion (in my head) about how important I am - if he is considering my feelings and the most deadly, What would I have done if our positions were reversed? Of course, I would have bent over backward to be sure he was comfortable. Which is what I do all the time. Which is what leads me to feel resentful. I KNOW I do it, and I KNOW that eventually it makes me upset, so WHY do I continue to do it?

The idea is, that someone who gives is good and someone who takes is bad, but it is never that simple. People who feel like they are giving all the time (notice I did not say who *are* giving) mostly end up feeling resentful and people who feel that they are taking all the time (barring psychos with personality disorders) end up feeling diminished and worthless. I know, I have played both sides of the coin. The answer is somehow to balance the two, I suppose. But so far, I am not doing so hot at that. And, the truth is, even if we could count every dime, every action, even if it all came out completely equal, if the FEELING of giving more or taking more exists, then THAT feeling is what matters, the feeling overrides the facts.

And then I get very caught up in the idea that - ok, Tolle and various Buddhist texts suggest that pain, discomfort, unhappiness come from the idea that we are not accepting the now, the what is, that we are wishing hoping dreaming for what is not. So then I think, ok, it is not his *fault* that I wish things were different, I need to accept the situation, and him, the way they are. Which seems to negate my needs all together. So that cannot be right, can it?

The thing is, I am not saying that he treats me badly or that I give and he takes all the time. There are some things that drive me crazy. That is normal, I believe, whenever you get people together. Here is the thing. I have worked hard to not be my mother - in that, no no, wait, I am serious - in that I try to say what I need. My mother (who is not American and had some very different cultural ideas when we were growing up) wishes that my father would do things but did not tell him - then would be upset when she didn't get it. It was the "read my mind, damnit" syndrome. And I did that too, for many years. But now, I feel I have managed to learn a new way, a healthier way (hopefully) which includes being very clear about what I want.

So, if I am clear about what I want, and I am still not getting it......what then? I mean, I know there are a thousand excuses for me not getting what I want (for him not giving it) and what I want to know is, how many do I have to accept before I say, listen, if your life is too busy, too complicated, too disorganized, too...whatever for me to get some needs met, well then, I am done trying.

And that is something else I am good at...running towards, or running away. Either I am giving you my all, and maybe shoving it down your throat, or I am running away, looking over my shoulder all along hoping to see you coming after me.

Ahhhhh. I am so tired of being me.

I suck.