family

I grew up in a 4-person family, Mommy, Daddy, Big Sister and Me. We had pretty traditional values, Daddy cooking out, cutting grasss, Mommy cooking dinner, doing laundry. Even with all that, I am not that close to them, years later. Not really. Except my Dad. We talk and we are of the same mind on a number of topics, and I would miss him if he were gone. I think about him and talking to him during my regular week, so by that definition, he is a friend. We make time for each other. But apart from him...
My gathered family is a much stronger system than the one I was born into. I love them, they are my ka-tet and we are a family. We care for each other, nourish each other, support each other. Maybe part of the reason we are so tight is because we do not take each other for granted, like the idea that your sister will always be your sister...
Friendship takes committment and effort. That is the kind of family I want to be part of, one that is committed and joyful.

Scrips

Current mood: satisfied

I went to fill a prescription and while I was there I asked for the second box of migraine medication that they forgot to put in the last time I had it filled. I called the same night and someone said ok, they would put a box aside for me. At any rate, the counter woman is like, "Well, there's no note, and if you had talked to someone then they would have written a note..." I said, I called as soon as my husband got home with the prescription." "Yes, well, if they had talked to you..." "They DID talk to me" I interrupted her so forcefully she startled. "Well, yes, then they should have left a note somewhere where anyone could find it." She looked nervous. Then she said I could call the "boss" on monday and he/she would probably make it right.
I admit to being irritated and went home with a whole new prescription (since I am out). I got home and I was going to put half the pills in my bag for work so I would be sure to have some there...and instead of 6 pills in one box, there were only 2! I got right back in my car and took it back. I gave it to a new counter woman, who took it to the pharmacist. After much deliberation, the counter person came back with 3 boxes. They filled the 12 that were on the prescription and added 6 more for my trouble. Nice. And now I don't have to fight with the supervisor on Monday, because as far as I am concerned, I got my fair share (if you can call 170 dollar medicine fair).
I feel good about this. I have long been proud of my ability to "get my fair share" from businesses, to haggle and to convince people that they need to give me my money back, that kind of thing. I am so good at it, I ask people to let me do it for them. I offer to cancel subscriptions. I call to get satisfaction from poor service call center workers pretty regularly.
Which is AWFUL. I have been noticing lately (6 months...or maybe more) that I get a kind of perverse pleasure out of it. And it is draining. And sometimes I lie. Not big lies, just little ones, about the date, maybe, or how many times I have called. I'm careful, though, because I know that they track all that stuff now and I don't want to get caught lying, because that will make me look more suspicious. Even today, when they were deliberating, I was thinking, great. I made the fuss about the un-filled prescription, and now they think I purposely STOLE the 4 other pills so that I could come and get 4 more...
Its like even though 90% of the time what I am demanding IS, technically fair, there is part of me that knows 10% of the time I am manipulating. Not every time, but some of the time. And I feel kind of icky about that lately. Go figure.
So I appreciate the universe stepping up and letting me know that I do NOT need to struggle and fight all the time for every little thing. Sometimes, just speaking up a little is enough.
And from now on, I promise to use this power only for good.
Like talking to parents of clients. I think I use the same skill when I talk to angry parents, getting them to listen to me and to feel heard at the same time. Of course I do not lie to parents...or clients for that matter.

Anyway, that is today's revelation. It was a long, slow one this time, but I made it.

Currently reading: Speaker for the Dead (Ender, Book 2) (Ender Quartet) By Orson Scott Card Release date: By 15 August, 1994

Daddy and Detta

Yes, ok, so we found out that my Daddy has a tumor almost three weeks ago. Apparently he had been sick SINCE my wedding but no one told me.
Then I found out two Wednesdays ago that Detta has bone cancer. What's up with that? Now I am a walking cry bomb, feeling terrible about them both. I love my daddy and we are close. Except that right now we are Far, with them in Georgia and all that.
Planning on flying out when they decide on surgery...
So, doing the treating thing...
I know that we are all healthy, whole and complete right now.

Married life

It didn't occur to me that I might miss my house after marriage. I mean, I still get some time to myself in my home, but I really do miss just being here. Over a long period of time.
I made Bre leave with the kids last Sunday for about 2 hours and I was in a cleaning frenzy...why can't I clean like that when he/they are here? What stops me? Dunno. Why do I feel like I have to rush home to snack on my favorite foods when no one is here? Why can't I read when he is around?
No answers yet.

nice vs thunderbolt

I was reading something - Jailbait, I think and the main character asks her mom, how did you know Daddy was the "one"? And her mom was like, well, I just knew. What the heck does that mean?!
And then on some tv show...Desperate Housewives (yes, I admit to trash tv) the friends were talking about the merits of going with a nice guy who is kind and blah blah blah versus getting the "thunderbolt" and how good that is. And my old roomie was like, "the thunderbolt doesn't last."
My thing is, if you start with the thunderbolt, you have somtthing to hang onto when things are not so "wow." I mean, if you seriously hook up with your partner because they seem like a good choice, someone your family wants you to be with, where is your motivation? Unless you are in a country that does arranged marriages...but that is very different and a separate post.

married life

I was going to try to come up with something about married life, but I don't have anything to say yet. Its kind of like when someone asks you if you feel older on your birthday. No, not yet. I need to be married longer before I know what I think of it.
In some ways it is like living together, as far as major change, now Beng is there every night, which is nice. I think. Mostly. I have thought I wish he weren't there - but only when he had to get up in the morning and I didn't.
Kids are there more, which I think is better than before because I like to be around them and it is simpler, too. Less driving around.
I get about an hour most afternoons to myself because I get done earlier than anyone gets home and that is really a good thing. I usually watch italian soaps during that time.
The big thing we still need to do has to do with finances and figuring out if we are doing those together or what. That sounds scary, having to work that out. Over the years, even in whatever relationships I have been in, I have always handled my own money. Now I wanna handle his too! smile.
I am good at saving....

Monday, March 13, 2006

Long lapse Well, it has been a while...quite a while. So here is the skinny. I got married and went on a nice honeymoon and am back at work that is driving me crazy... I am remembering that I work at a place where I feel respected. I work in a place where my creative talents are appreciated. hmmmm "in a place" .... is that really what I want to say? I feel satisfied by the work that I do. I provide a service that I feel good about. I remind people of the perfection that they are. I remember the truth for people, like that they are perfect whole and complete. While the Souce is my supply, I earn fair compensation for the expression of my special talents. I am a unique individual manifestation of Source and this expression brings me joy.

Thursday...no no, still Wednesday

The week is going by so slowly! I am so ready for my birthday....
Had a lovely night last night with Beng and the kids, after our marriage therapy deal. Mary's is hard, I have to say I don't really like going...I mean, I like it some but also feel really uncomfortable. She was saying she went to a recent training and the guy said, "Therapy shouldn't feel comfortable" or safe or something - saying that for it to be good people need to be risking. Also he said that you need arguments for intimacy. Something like that.
Requests were the big thing I took from the session. Gotta make 'em.
Then we went out to eat - I had jasmine rice with my meal, that is kind of like keeping with my rice fast...a little. Another thing Mary said was to keep my protein intake up because if my brain isn't getting fed that could increase the depression. Yeah, good point.
Funny, I am reading the Hip Chick's guide to Macrobiotics and also another book about boosting your metabolism and they say nearly the opposite! Really, how is the average person supposed to understand any of that?! I mean, for me, I am just keeping what I like and trashing the rest, but what if you just bought whatever you were reading? How confusing ?

More morning

Ok, now I have a minute to talk. Yeah, I had a good conversation with my best friend last night, we must have talked a couple of hours at least. It's funny - I am much more guarded about my relationship with Bob when I talk to other people....I mean, in the past I would be quick to complain (or even roast) boyfriends to my friends...Hmm, let me think about this. Maybe the difference is not Bob.
Ok, so I am a bit more guarded, but that may just be age and experience helping me out a bit - you know - if you roast your partner then things work out, well, ya look stupid. Or if people only hear the bad stuff, they might think - no no that is not what I meant. Starting over. My roomie hears it all. But she also knows him and hears all the sweet things he does too (I think...I hope). With my best friend - that is different because she and I had a nasty falling out about 8 years ago and we are just now getting back to being friends. So I am more guarded with her. And she is much more ... more something than she used to be. Like, I was talking about PhD programs in the TC area and she was saying, why do you have to stay there? And I was saying, partly the house, partly Beng and she was saying, you could rent your place and if Beng isn't willing to let you go, then what is that about?! Sort of militant about it. But now that I am typing this, I realize that she was just going through that with her (now ex) boyfriend. Who didn't think she should go away to school.

Anyway I guess that is why I am sort of protective of information with her. Although we had a great conversation, I didn't really talk to her about him...or even much about feeling depressed. She is so militant these days, she doesn't seem very interested in letting me be depressed...she wants to fight it somehow. I am not in a fighting mood....

Yeah. Ok. That is enough soul searching for the day.

Either the rice is working

Or I am just high from lack of sleep....It was so good talking to K. I know she is busy and I am busy but I seriously think we need to consider talking regularly...like making a date with each other....sounds very monogomous, doesn't it? smile

I like plans...

When she was talking about the perfect partner and how they don't necessarily need to be in the same field...I do think that is true. I do think that you can not be in the same field and yet be interested and willing to talk about what your partner does, and that can be wonderful and supportive. Yeah. Seriously. Also, though, ain't it nice not to need to explain what you are talking about?! I am all about appreciating differences, but, there is something nice about someone who already knows.

That is something about spirituality too. I think I would have an easier time explaining what I do for a living than needing to explain my spiritual beliefs...I mean, of course I do explain and talk about them, but it is so wonderful that Beng understands (having done a lot of Buddhism/Zen type study) and I don't have to convince him of anything...

sheesh. Guess I better get to work...

Soimeone from work sent me a nice email...I think I am making friends!!!!

New goal

Ok, my new goal is to post every day. That is important to put right here, in writing, cuz when I post again and see this, several months back, well, then I will...I will...I will what? I really don't know what the point of that is, just getting it out.
So, lots happeneing since Sept whatever when I last posted. Working at a new job now, sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is not as hard. No big pay off yet but getting better, I think.
I made a new friend (maybe) who is a co-worker. I like her style. She does stress me out sometimes, but I like that she is a straight shooter and very down to earth.
I am not looking for other work, feeling pretty settled here.
Planning the wedding and honeymoon (Spain).
My birthday is Friday (yay me!).
Having a migraine. Maybe I should stop typing here and go HOME!
yeah, getting right on that.

Monday, monday

Dang, forgot the best part of my day...the Hmong Times...ok, it will have to be ok for tomorrow.
(since ya'll don't know what I am talking about, one of the "teachers" around here told a student that there was no such thing as Hmong and gave him a time out for being racist. She said that since she was dating an "Asian" guy, she would know. Right, that is logical. Cuz my mom is Korean, I speak all asiatic languages. Whatever. I think being called Asian is worse than being called Hmong. I mean, seriously, if someone said to me that my mom was Hmong, that would be an error, but calling her an Asian - that is oe of those "they all look alike" names. Or it seems that way to me, anyway. At any rate, while I was out this weekend I found a copy of the Hmong Times, which I planned to leave on her desk this morning. But I forgot it at home. So that is the scoop.)
ANYWAY, missed Jen today! Shocking, kind of. I haven't even known her that long but she is so my safe face around work! I was feeling so stressed out, I really needed a Jen "Hey, how're ya doin?" No, maybe not, cuz maybe I would have just broke down in tears.
No, it wasn't work that got me going. I mean, it was a hectic Monday - but I don't think too much more than usual.
No, my stuff was (is) definitely my stuff today. Just not feeling 100% - have a migraine and had a weepy weekend. Crying is hard. I used to be called a crybaby in my house when I was a kid - as an adult I usually take the strong role - so when I do get it out...it isn't as cathartic as I wish it were. I usually have some lingering guilt about it...
Fucking So-and-so just came into my office to ask me to do something, then left without shutting the door. Am I being touchy or is that just rude? Hold on, I have to close the damn door.
Sheesh. Dude, I need a therapist.

Found this while staying up too late...scary

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/justin-frank/bushkat_b_6967.html

Tom Cruise and George W. Bush have more in common than a talent for acting and a distrust of psychiatry. The most stunning thing they have in common is their need for handlers, so they don't open their mouths and make public fools of themselves. This summer, they both jumped the couch.

Tom Cruise's wild and crazy declaration of love for Katie Holmes on Oprah was scary enough. Then, he publicly, and without provocation, castigated Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants to treat her post-partum depression. In a Today show rampage, he practically tore Matt Lauer's scalp off.

As a few Hollywood insiders knew, Cruise's impulsive outbursts were there waiting to happen, but for the tender and iron-fisted ministrations of his longtime publicist, Pat Kingsley. Perhaps Kingsley did her job so well that Cruise came to believe that he didn't need her, and replaced her with Lee Anne DeVette, whose credentials are that she is his sister, and a fellow Scientologist. Those who'd been wondering all these years why Kingsley so fiercely guarded her charge finally have an answer: he had a keeper because he needed one.

Bush has also been under control, for years, by his doting and vigilant publicist, Karl Rove. But in this case, it was the agent who fired the client. Rove has been too preoccupied with the investigation into his wrongdoing in the Valerie Plame case to pay attention to the antics of his wild and crazy charge.

As a consequence, Bush joked about partying in New Orleans on the same day he visited the devastated Gulf Coast and hugged a few sanitized poor people for the cameras. Perhaps he'll hop on Oprah's couch this week to declare his undying love for oyster po' boys and Dixieland jazz. Maybe later, he'll criticize New Oeleans native Harry Connick, Jr. for visiting the Superdome as a way of alleviating his post-hurricane depression. And, he's already hired his mother -- who never allowed her son to do live TV interviews when he was Governor -- to run interference with the media.

Tom Cruise is a sideshow. George W. Bush is a disaster. It's the nation's bad luck that FEMA is too busy to tend to the real cause of our federal emergency.

poormusic

poormusic

This is funny

Ok, there is a site that some guys started up:

http://www.hotornot.com/

Wait, let them tell it (from their site)

Back in October 2000, Jim and I were roommates living in the San Francisco Bay Area. Jim was in his seventh year as a grad student at UC Berkeley, while I was unemployed. In other words, Jim spent all his time playing pool and riding his motorcycles, while I went out and partied a lot.

One late Tuesday afternoon, Jim mentioned to my brother Tony and I that he thought a girl we recently met was a perfect 10. Meanwhile, I was drinking. Ever hang out with your friends drinking and come up with a totally crazy idea based on something someone said? Well, that's exactly what happened.

Jim built the site in a few days, and then HOTorNOT was "launched." Actually, all we did was email a bunch of our friends, telling them about the site. Within an hour, we started getting submissions to the site from people we didn’t know! It turns out that everyone we sent it to had passed it on to their friends too.

Ok, so, now, you can go there, and you can rate people. You rate the picture and then it shows you another picture. It sounds silly, right? But I just spent at least 10 minutes rating completely unknown people for no reason at all except to see the next picture. Man is a strange creature...

Love love love, love love

Everyone think positive, now, all together. Lifespan...lifespan..lifespan...

Part 2

It's a gas, gas, gas

Wedding stuff

So, my sister emails me that mommy wants to talk to me and that I should call her. I do. My mommy just offered to make my wedding dress!!!! I love my mommy.

Last one for tonight

Jerry: If you were a "burning bush" ...and I would like some guidance for my people, do you have "10 commandments" that you would offer?

Abraham: We have 10 good ideas. We would not command anyone to do anything.... we would offer...that which we have found to be a very good way of life.... So a commandment is what NOT to do. Rather than telling you what NOT to do, we will tell you what we do.

• Seek joy --- first and foremost.


• Seek reasons to laugh.


• See reasons to offer words of praise --- to self and others.


• See beauty in nature, beasts and other humans.


• Seek reasons to love. In every segment of every day --- look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of love.


• Seek that which uplifts you.


• Seek opportunity to offer that which uplifts another.


• Seek a feeling of Well-being.


• Know that your value can only be measured in terms of joy.


• Acknowledge your absolute freedom to do any of these things or to not do any of these things --- for it is, without exception your choice in every moment of every day.

That is the recipe for eternal joy. And it will provide a format for a life of dramatic, magnificent creating also. That feels like the "bottom line" to you: "How much success, or how much acclaim...how much value can I offer here and now?" And we are wanting you to understand is that your value can only be measured in terms of joy.

Abraham-Hicks, A New Beginning II by Jerry and Ester Hicks, pp. 217-218.