analysis

So, I spent a loooong time last night analyzing my situation. Because that is what I do. I think about things, sometimes at such length I lose my original point. Ok, the truth is *often* until I lose my original point. Then this morning's reading from Science of Mind magazine talked about how "apparent" problems are opportunities (I wanted to snort out loud...not feeling very spiritual this morning) and I felt a little new age guilt at having reached such nasty conclusions in my head last night.

Ok. Originally I was upset because I didn't feel like my needs were being met...or even considered. Which led me to an entire discussion (in my head) about how important I am - if he is considering my feelings and the most deadly, What would I have done if our positions were reversed? Of course, I would have bent over backward to be sure he was comfortable. Which is what I do all the time. Which is what leads me to feel resentful. I KNOW I do it, and I KNOW that eventually it makes me upset, so WHY do I continue to do it?

The idea is, that someone who gives is good and someone who takes is bad, but it is never that simple. People who feel like they are giving all the time (notice I did not say who *are* giving) mostly end up feeling resentful and people who feel that they are taking all the time (barring psychos with personality disorders) end up feeling diminished and worthless. I know, I have played both sides of the coin. The answer is somehow to balance the two, I suppose. But so far, I am not doing so hot at that. And, the truth is, even if we could count every dime, every action, even if it all came out completely equal, if the FEELING of giving more or taking more exists, then THAT feeling is what matters, the feeling overrides the facts.

And then I get very caught up in the idea that - ok, Tolle and various Buddhist texts suggest that pain, discomfort, unhappiness come from the idea that we are not accepting the now, the what is, that we are wishing hoping dreaming for what is not. So then I think, ok, it is not his *fault* that I wish things were different, I need to accept the situation, and him, the way they are. Which seems to negate my needs all together. So that cannot be right, can it?

The thing is, I am not saying that he treats me badly or that I give and he takes all the time. There are some things that drive me crazy. That is normal, I believe, whenever you get people together. Here is the thing. I have worked hard to not be my mother - in that, no no, wait, I am serious - in that I try to say what I need. My mother (who is not American and had some very different cultural ideas when we were growing up) wishes that my father would do things but did not tell him - then would be upset when she didn't get it. It was the "read my mind, damnit" syndrome. And I did that too, for many years. But now, I feel I have managed to learn a new way, a healthier way (hopefully) which includes being very clear about what I want.

So, if I am clear about what I want, and I am still not getting it......what then? I mean, I know there are a thousand excuses for me not getting what I want (for him not giving it) and what I want to know is, how many do I have to accept before I say, listen, if your life is too busy, too complicated, too disorganized, too...whatever for me to get some needs met, well then, I am done trying.

And that is something else I am good at...running towards, or running away. Either I am giving you my all, and maybe shoving it down your throat, or I am running away, looking over my shoulder all along hoping to see you coming after me.

Ahhhhh. I am so tired of being me.

I suck.