Thursday...no no, still Wednesday

The week is going by so slowly! I am so ready for my birthday....
Had a lovely night last night with Beng and the kids, after our marriage therapy deal. Mary's is hard, I have to say I don't really like going...I mean, I like it some but also feel really uncomfortable. She was saying she went to a recent training and the guy said, "Therapy shouldn't feel comfortable" or safe or something - saying that for it to be good people need to be risking. Also he said that you need arguments for intimacy. Something like that.
Requests were the big thing I took from the session. Gotta make 'em.
Then we went out to eat - I had jasmine rice with my meal, that is kind of like keeping with my rice fast...a little. Another thing Mary said was to keep my protein intake up because if my brain isn't getting fed that could increase the depression. Yeah, good point.
Funny, I am reading the Hip Chick's guide to Macrobiotics and also another book about boosting your metabolism and they say nearly the opposite! Really, how is the average person supposed to understand any of that?! I mean, for me, I am just keeping what I like and trashing the rest, but what if you just bought whatever you were reading? How confusing ?

More morning

Ok, now I have a minute to talk. Yeah, I had a good conversation with my best friend last night, we must have talked a couple of hours at least. It's funny - I am much more guarded about my relationship with Bob when I talk to other people....I mean, in the past I would be quick to complain (or even roast) boyfriends to my friends...Hmm, let me think about this. Maybe the difference is not Bob.
Ok, so I am a bit more guarded, but that may just be age and experience helping me out a bit - you know - if you roast your partner then things work out, well, ya look stupid. Or if people only hear the bad stuff, they might think - no no that is not what I meant. Starting over. My roomie hears it all. But she also knows him and hears all the sweet things he does too (I think...I hope). With my best friend - that is different because she and I had a nasty falling out about 8 years ago and we are just now getting back to being friends. So I am more guarded with her. And she is much more ... more something than she used to be. Like, I was talking about PhD programs in the TC area and she was saying, why do you have to stay there? And I was saying, partly the house, partly Beng and she was saying, you could rent your place and if Beng isn't willing to let you go, then what is that about?! Sort of militant about it. But now that I am typing this, I realize that she was just going through that with her (now ex) boyfriend. Who didn't think she should go away to school.

Anyway I guess that is why I am sort of protective of information with her. Although we had a great conversation, I didn't really talk to her about him...or even much about feeling depressed. She is so militant these days, she doesn't seem very interested in letting me be depressed...she wants to fight it somehow. I am not in a fighting mood....

Yeah. Ok. That is enough soul searching for the day.

Either the rice is working

Or I am just high from lack of sleep....It was so good talking to K. I know she is busy and I am busy but I seriously think we need to consider talking regularly...like making a date with each other....sounds very monogomous, doesn't it? smile

I like plans...

When she was talking about the perfect partner and how they don't necessarily need to be in the same field...I do think that is true. I do think that you can not be in the same field and yet be interested and willing to talk about what your partner does, and that can be wonderful and supportive. Yeah. Seriously. Also, though, ain't it nice not to need to explain what you are talking about?! I am all about appreciating differences, but, there is something nice about someone who already knows.

That is something about spirituality too. I think I would have an easier time explaining what I do for a living than needing to explain my spiritual beliefs...I mean, of course I do explain and talk about them, but it is so wonderful that Beng understands (having done a lot of Buddhism/Zen type study) and I don't have to convince him of anything...

sheesh. Guess I better get to work...

Soimeone from work sent me a nice email...I think I am making friends!!!!

New goal

Ok, my new goal is to post every day. That is important to put right here, in writing, cuz when I post again and see this, several months back, well, then I will...I will...I will what? I really don't know what the point of that is, just getting it out.
So, lots happeneing since Sept whatever when I last posted. Working at a new job now, sometimes it is hard, sometimes it is not as hard. No big pay off yet but getting better, I think.
I made a new friend (maybe) who is a co-worker. I like her style. She does stress me out sometimes, but I like that she is a straight shooter and very down to earth.
I am not looking for other work, feeling pretty settled here.
Planning the wedding and honeymoon (Spain).
My birthday is Friday (yay me!).
Having a migraine. Maybe I should stop typing here and go HOME!
yeah, getting right on that.

Monday, monday

Dang, forgot the best part of my day...the Hmong Times...ok, it will have to be ok for tomorrow.
(since ya'll don't know what I am talking about, one of the "teachers" around here told a student that there was no such thing as Hmong and gave him a time out for being racist. She said that since she was dating an "Asian" guy, she would know. Right, that is logical. Cuz my mom is Korean, I speak all asiatic languages. Whatever. I think being called Asian is worse than being called Hmong. I mean, seriously, if someone said to me that my mom was Hmong, that would be an error, but calling her an Asian - that is oe of those "they all look alike" names. Or it seems that way to me, anyway. At any rate, while I was out this weekend I found a copy of the Hmong Times, which I planned to leave on her desk this morning. But I forgot it at home. So that is the scoop.)
ANYWAY, missed Jen today! Shocking, kind of. I haven't even known her that long but she is so my safe face around work! I was feeling so stressed out, I really needed a Jen "Hey, how're ya doin?" No, maybe not, cuz maybe I would have just broke down in tears.
No, it wasn't work that got me going. I mean, it was a hectic Monday - but I don't think too much more than usual.
No, my stuff was (is) definitely my stuff today. Just not feeling 100% - have a migraine and had a weepy weekend. Crying is hard. I used to be called a crybaby in my house when I was a kid - as an adult I usually take the strong role - so when I do get it out...it isn't as cathartic as I wish it were. I usually have some lingering guilt about it...
Fucking So-and-so just came into my office to ask me to do something, then left without shutting the door. Am I being touchy or is that just rude? Hold on, I have to close the damn door.
Sheesh. Dude, I need a therapist.

Found this while staying up too late...scary

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/justin-frank/bushkat_b_6967.html

Tom Cruise and George W. Bush have more in common than a talent for acting and a distrust of psychiatry. The most stunning thing they have in common is their need for handlers, so they don't open their mouths and make public fools of themselves. This summer, they both jumped the couch.

Tom Cruise's wild and crazy declaration of love for Katie Holmes on Oprah was scary enough. Then, he publicly, and without provocation, castigated Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants to treat her post-partum depression. In a Today show rampage, he practically tore Matt Lauer's scalp off.

As a few Hollywood insiders knew, Cruise's impulsive outbursts were there waiting to happen, but for the tender and iron-fisted ministrations of his longtime publicist, Pat Kingsley. Perhaps Kingsley did her job so well that Cruise came to believe that he didn't need her, and replaced her with Lee Anne DeVette, whose credentials are that she is his sister, and a fellow Scientologist. Those who'd been wondering all these years why Kingsley so fiercely guarded her charge finally have an answer: he had a keeper because he needed one.

Bush has also been under control, for years, by his doting and vigilant publicist, Karl Rove. But in this case, it was the agent who fired the client. Rove has been too preoccupied with the investigation into his wrongdoing in the Valerie Plame case to pay attention to the antics of his wild and crazy charge.

As a consequence, Bush joked about partying in New Orleans on the same day he visited the devastated Gulf Coast and hugged a few sanitized poor people for the cameras. Perhaps he'll hop on Oprah's couch this week to declare his undying love for oyster po' boys and Dixieland jazz. Maybe later, he'll criticize New Oeleans native Harry Connick, Jr. for visiting the Superdome as a way of alleviating his post-hurricane depression. And, he's already hired his mother -- who never allowed her son to do live TV interviews when he was Governor -- to run interference with the media.

Tom Cruise is a sideshow. George W. Bush is a disaster. It's the nation's bad luck that FEMA is too busy to tend to the real cause of our federal emergency.

poormusic

poormusic

This is funny

Ok, there is a site that some guys started up:

http://www.hotornot.com/

Wait, let them tell it (from their site)

Back in October 2000, Jim and I were roommates living in the San Francisco Bay Area. Jim was in his seventh year as a grad student at UC Berkeley, while I was unemployed. In other words, Jim spent all his time playing pool and riding his motorcycles, while I went out and partied a lot.

One late Tuesday afternoon, Jim mentioned to my brother Tony and I that he thought a girl we recently met was a perfect 10. Meanwhile, I was drinking. Ever hang out with your friends drinking and come up with a totally crazy idea based on something someone said? Well, that's exactly what happened.

Jim built the site in a few days, and then HOTorNOT was "launched." Actually, all we did was email a bunch of our friends, telling them about the site. Within an hour, we started getting submissions to the site from people we didn’t know! It turns out that everyone we sent it to had passed it on to their friends too.

Ok, so, now, you can go there, and you can rate people. You rate the picture and then it shows you another picture. It sounds silly, right? But I just spent at least 10 minutes rating completely unknown people for no reason at all except to see the next picture. Man is a strange creature...

Love love love, love love

Everyone think positive, now, all together. Lifespan...lifespan..lifespan...

Part 2

It's a gas, gas, gas

Wedding stuff

So, my sister emails me that mommy wants to talk to me and that I should call her. I do. My mommy just offered to make my wedding dress!!!! I love my mommy.

Last one for tonight

Jerry: If you were a "burning bush" ...and I would like some guidance for my people, do you have "10 commandments" that you would offer?

Abraham: We have 10 good ideas. We would not command anyone to do anything.... we would offer...that which we have found to be a very good way of life.... So a commandment is what NOT to do. Rather than telling you what NOT to do, we will tell you what we do.

• Seek joy --- first and foremost.


• Seek reasons to laugh.


• See reasons to offer words of praise --- to self and others.


• See beauty in nature, beasts and other humans.


• Seek reasons to love. In every segment of every day --- look for something that brings forth within you a feeling of love.


• Seek that which uplifts you.


• Seek opportunity to offer that which uplifts another.


• Seek a feeling of Well-being.


• Know that your value can only be measured in terms of joy.


• Acknowledge your absolute freedom to do any of these things or to not do any of these things --- for it is, without exception your choice in every moment of every day.

That is the recipe for eternal joy. And it will provide a format for a life of dramatic, magnificent creating also. That feels like the "bottom line" to you: "How much success, or how much acclaim...how much value can I offer here and now?" And we are wanting you to understand is that your value can only be measured in terms of joy.

Abraham-Hicks, A New Beginning II by Jerry and Ester Hicks, pp. 217-218.

Forgot how much I love Abraham!

You've got to be a vibrational match to your own desire and when you feel
good you are and when you feel bad you don't.

So if your desire scares you, you're not a match.
If you feel guilty for not having achieved it, you're not a match.
If you feel jealous that somebody else has, you're not a match.
If you feel disappointed that it is taking too long, you're not a match.

If you feel eager about it unfolding, you're a match.
If you feel encouraged, optimistic, satisfied, you're a match.
So virtual reality is the game where you don't think about what you want
that hasn't happened. Instead you think about anything that you can find to
think about that feels good when you think about it, understanding that you
don't have to think about what you want in order to let it come. That's the
biggest thing that you will ever hear from us.

You do not have to be fixated upon the subject of your desire in order to
allow it in. You just cannot be fixated upon the absence of that desire and
let it come in.

Abraham-Hicks Dallas, TX 11/2/02A

Abraham-Hicks posting

"Some things you're not letting happen right now because the timing isn't perfect for you. Some you're not letting happen because you are very aware of where you are. But all things, as they are happening, are happening in perfect order. And if you will relax and begin saying, "Everything in its perfect time. Everything is unfolding. And I'm enjoying where I am now, in relationship to where I'm going. Content where I am, and eager for more," that is the perfect vibrational stance. "

Abraham-Hicks, G-9-17-03

From Utne - a new trend?

Bullish on Art

Good-bye Paris salon—hello Wall Street hedge fund

BY JOSEPH HART

VAN GOGH: $12 million. Rembrandt: $13 million. Vermeer:$30 million. Gauguin: $39 million. You wouldn’t guess it from these rock-star price tags, but all these artists died in poverty. And for every Gauguin that now sells for a mint, there are thousands of Robert Bevans. The obscurity of Gauguin’s friend and contemporary matches his postmortem earning power. Bevan is known chiefly for his renderings of horses, which still sell for just a few thousand dollars apiece.

Concerned that most artists still starve, even when their paintings eventually fetch millions, a few financial wizards have hatched a plan to erase the words died in poverty from the artistic vernacular. They’ve created an artist pension trust, a kind of 40 1(k) that asks participants to contribute not their earnings, but their art. According to Wired (April 2005), an artist contributes a piece of work, and managers decide when the time is right to put it on the market. The proceeds are then divvied up: 20 percent for fees, half of the remainder for whoever created the work, and the rest divided among all the artists in the fund.

Of course, it’s one thing to hedge 249 Bevans against one Gauguin. It’s quite another to choose 25 virtually unknown artists and hope that one or two nail the art-market jackpot. Yet that’s just what investors Moti Shniberg and Dan Galai are doing, with the help of David Ross, former director of the Whitney Museum of American Art, who tells Wired, “It’s all about finding the X factor. X doesn’t equal talent. . . . X equals the potential to hit it big.”

Free-market speculation has always been an aspect of the art world. But Shniberg and company, while they’re more altruistic than most investors, are part of a larger trend to, as Suzanne

McGee puts it in Barron’s (April 18, 2005), “treat art as you would any other asset.” Several start-ups with high-power pedigrees (Merrill Lynch, ABN Amro, Christie’s) are hoping to do for the art market what mutual funds and similar investment vehicles did for the stock market. They want to convince investors to put their money “not in a single sculpture to stand in your entrance hall but in a diversified pool run by savvy managers with decades of experience.” In this case, of course, the beneficiary isn’t the artist, but the investor.

The prolonged downward spiral of the New York Stock Exchange has many moneybags poking around galleries looking to unload a few bucks they might otherwise have spent on oil stocks. In 2004, sales at the art auction house Sotheby’s set records across the board (and drove the company’s stock prices higher). Moreover, recent research shows that the kind of diversified art fund examined by Barron’s might, in fact, outperform stocks. Two widely cited studies have tracked decades of art sales against the S&P 500. Their conclusion: Art wins. The implications are interesting, to say the least. Art history requirements for MBAs? Or how about a trading floor for artistic futures? And what about that starving artist stereotype? Could a fat and con tented Gauguin (who, incidentally, gave up a career as a stockbroker for art) have painted as well as the syphilitic and suicidal wreck we know and love? Shouldn’t you suffer for your art? “It’s silly to say someone is a sellout,” asserts the critic Lucy Lippard. “Everybody is a sellout. Art has no context in this society, so it’s forced into the capitalist context, the marketplace. The only way to be supported is selling it—that goes for people who are selling it on the side of the road up to the most famous galleries in the world.”

The real disconnect, in other words, is between this economic reality and the impulses and imperatives that inspire art in the first place: Art is a product of creativity. Creativity is a manifestation of a range of desires— from self-expression to formal concerns to cultural critique. What’s not clear is whether creativity can survive the pressures of the marketplace.

Of course, popular music, Holly wood films, television, and even commercial advertising are all products of the marketplace. So maybe the real question is whether we want to further conflate the categories art and market-driven culture. Or, more to the point, if we want Wall Street brokers to be tastemakers.

Joseph Hart is a contributing editor of Utne.

Meeting

No meeting yesterday. Susan didn't show up until the meeting was supposed to be over. chicken.

However, I did take a walk around Lake Harriet yesterday afterwards and had an epiphany.

Really, it doesn't matter what she says. What she says will not greatly change the course of my actions. I am currently working my cases. I will continue to do so (unless she fires me). I am actively seeking employment. I will continue to do so (even if she doesn't fire me). So it doesn't really matter all that much to me what she has to say.

I was looking at the qwest bill last night and thinking, great, now I have to defend/fight with qwest about this bill, too. And I realized I have spent a lot of time in the last - 6 months or so defending/fighting. I am tired of it. I don't really like doing it, anyway. I never did. And I remembered that I used to do it A LOT back in the old days.

Yeah, before enlightenment...smile

That is not who I am anymore and I am declaring that RIGHT HERE AND NOW. In fact, that was never the truth of me.

reading material...

Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation
By Lynne Truss

Yes. This is good. Very good.

I can sleep. I really can.

Reading Eats, Shoots, and Leaves. Awesome book. Except that it reminds me of the errors I make regularly and quietly ignore...
Like that one "..." ! That is not always appropriate, and yet I use it frequently. I did spend some time a few years ago when I started using it to try to decide if it were appropriate, but then I gave up. No one else cares, anyway.
Now I remember. I care. Really I do.
I often remind the people around me, words are important.
(reminding myself)

Words are important!

Now I can't sleep!

I woke up at 630 and can't get back to sleep. I am spending my time wisely though, I am filling out YET another application for Ramsey County Social Worker, DD. I am hoping the tedium will drive me back to bed. Yeah, not of the job, of the application.
What is going on here? Talking to my wise roomie, listing my list of possible reasons for strange work situation...
When I mentioned my "thing" about Minnesotans, she said, Maybe you need to let go of your attitude about Minnesotans. I quickly discounted that idea!
We are so attached to our ideas about things, aren't we? I mean, I can defend my thing about MNs with lots of experiences and things that I have seen first hand over the last 5 years...so that makes it true, right? So what if I am the one driving those experiences? Defending is such a strong postition.
I got a Qwest bill in the mail the other day and the charges are all screwy - this isn't the first time that this has happened to me with Qwest. In fact, when I first got my DSL, EVERY month for about 6 months they billed me for TWO DSL accounts. And every month I called (I started with, "I had to call" but I decided that wasn't really true) them up and argued (self-righteously) about it till I got it back to the regular charge. Last night when I looked at the bill, I said to myself, "great, tomorrow you will need to call them and fight for the correct charges." But do I? Do I really? Seriously, my stomach contracted thinking about it, and typing those words gave me the same feeling.
I could just call them and let them know about the error, couldn't I?
I am not "fighting" to get a job, either. I am just letting employers know that I am available to work. I am letting the universe know that I am ready to contribute my particular talents to the world. Right now.

Pets

As you can clearly see, I have not yet begun to work! I just wanted to see how this would go...and she goes very well here. This is my baby. Whom I was quite angry with this afternoon when I caught her with her head in the kitty litter. Dang. Luckily, I changed to some very eco friendly sawdust type pine litter and so I am less worried about what the litter is doing in the dogs tummy.
And here is the cute kitty who uses the litter...

Its the little things

It really is amazing, the little things that seem to ruin or make a day. Bre has been having trouble with waking up early and it is starting to have an effect on me, too. So I was going to say how exhausted I am, but I am totally planning to do at least two hours of work before sleeping, so it seems silly to complain now.
The thing is, I am working these afternoon - evening hours, so I really need to get up later, do my workout later, that kind of thing, so that I am not exhausted at 8 pm. I do have appointments that go to 10 sometimes. Well, I do for now, anyway. It seems my job may be in jeopardy - again.
I know that I am attracting this somehow (I would like to blame it on Minnesotans, but since I moved here of my own free will, damnit, I cannot blame them altogether) but I cannot figure out how.
I know I have the old not worthy button, but I have always had that, as far as I can remember. Ok, maybe not ALWAYS but for a long time. And I have done well for myself in the world of work previous to this recent series of events. What is it?
I tried to relate it to the accident, that was a major event in my life, after all. But I did fine the first few years (hmmmmm, not the very first year, but all the others) until last year...
Then I considered the idea that I was compensating (or decompensating?) for my very good relationship with Bre - in the past, I had pretty much everything together execpt relationship stuff, now somehow I decided that my relationship is great, everything else needs to fail. But that doesn't seem right either.
What else have I considered...Oh, I considered not wanting to do too well so to emphasize Bre's importance...Yeah, I ditched that one pretty quick too.
Ok, work first, fret later.

A meeting

Yeah, ok, so now I have a meeting set for tomorrow with the boss and my supervisor. The thing is, the thing that gets to me is that this is so not about performance. The boss is asking for cases back from me because I haven't seen the clients, but she didn't ask why I hadn't seen the clients or anything like that. And all of them are clients I asked her about at one time or another. I feel like this is one of those MNs thing that I have been too direct and irritated a couple of people and so now they want me to "go away" (yes, say that with your best 4-year-old voice).

Even at Riverwind they are going through changes and asking people if they are committed to the place. First of all, what person says, "no. I am not committed to doing my job. I am out of here."? Very few people would, I think. I mean, if you were that straight up and hones, wouldn't you have already left? Secondly, did they bother to check who does the job well? Isn't that part of the deal?

making changes

Yeah, keep trying to add popdex thing to my site, but I can't seem to make it work! Guess I need to spend more time in HTML classes...

Nerja

Hi out there, all you helpful blog readers...I am planning a vacation in Spain. I think Bre and I have decided on the town of Nerja. Anyone have any experience with this area? Any ideas or advice?
Post, post!

Tell Me a Secret: So...

This is an awesome site...

International Space Shuttle

Ok, so, the space shuttle will be visible this month...here are some listings...

oh and the website if you need to look up your own city...

http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/realdata/sightings/cities/index.cgi


took the listings out, they were bothering my set up!

All in a days work

Ok, so more discussion about my job and what days I will be working at the crisis center. I am seriously burning out at 6 days a week. I am. So I kind of agreed to drop my Saturdays and go ahead and work Thursdays. Which will make me less burnt out, in theory. However, the idea was to get more appointments in on Thursdays. Besides the fact that maybe, just maybe, this crisis center job is kind of an "ace in the hole" for me, something I am holding onto just in case...just in case the bottom falls out or something. Which is basically like saying I BELIEVE that the bottom will fall out so I need this thing - this job - for the just in case. Which will happen as long as I am 100% behind it. Which I also believe. So, does that mean I need to cast this job to the wind? As I was thinking about this, one of the clients came to me and said, Martha? Can I talk to you a minute?
I have heard this several times since I worked at the crisis center. I am good, damnit, at listening to people. People want to talk to me. Which is great. And which is one of the times I feel really useful there. And I kind of love what I am doing. I mean, the idea of a place where you can go when it feels like the world is after you, a place where you are supported 24 hours a day for a few days is awesome. I wish there were a way to offer it to all people. I guess we did, back in the days when we had strong family/community ties (or maybe we never did and I am just glamorizing a past I only heard of distantly - my family was definitely not part of that social circle). Supporting people where they are is part of what I totally believe in.
So. Felt less like casting that job out.
And had a brief but wonderful session with another client from the OTHER job today too. So while some of the office stuff I could do without, I was definitely loving that job too.
What does it all mean, Alfie?
Who is John Galt?

Testing out the email feature. Amazing what technology can do these days, no?

working

Yeah, so working two jobs is getting tiresome. My goals were once to work at a place where I can express my talents, work in a place that I feel respected, work for a fair wage...
Now my goal is: more money, less driving.
No no, not really. Well, some really. The thing is, you know, if I felt respected and like my talents were being expressed, I could probably suck it up that I am making not much money. Or if I were making goo gobs of money, I could probably (maybe) suck it up (oh, ok already...I did try working for corporate america once and only lasted 6 weeks...) for a while, anyway.
Or maybe not.
Ok. Back to standing by my beliefs.
Running now.

Gotta get out

and do cardio now...

Well, the body for life plan is in effect. I have been doing it almost a week now, and I tell ya, while I was never a paid employee of the government, there is something to be said for structure. Really. I don't have to get up and wonder what I should do today, I have a nice plan all set up for me. And it is easy to follow. Am I starting to sound like an advertisement? Well, if so...so what? Better than promoting...uh...other unsavory products? Yeah, whatever. All I know is, I like it. So there.
How did that go so wrong there?

New news

Yeah, this is cool. I am going to subscribe, but until that first issue arrives...

http://www.clamormagazine.org/

Juicy Fruiter

Juicy Fruiter

Organics Unite!

http://www.storewars.org/flash/

From Clamor Magazine

From clamormagazine.org

UK: $27K for your son. Israel: $200-300K for your property.

Who knew that one settler’s home in the Gaza Bank was worth 7.4 times the life of one Brazilian immigrant murdered by police in England?

The Israeli government has promised a substantial number of shekels to relocated settlers, starting at $200,000. Meanwhile, the London Metropolitan Police have sent a crass letter — offerring $27,000 — to the family of the deceased brasileno.

As most folks with access to the media know by now is that Jean Charles de Menezes was shot in the London Tube on July 22nd. What the corporate media was reluctant to divulge was that de Menezes was shot five times in the head after being tackled by numerous police officers. That excessive force and other questionable claims by the authorities — such as de Menezes’ clothing and how he entered the Tube — are keeping this investigation in the spotlight in England and Brazil.

And the withdrawal of Israeli settlers from settlements inside the occupied territories has proceeded in the last week, despite media coverage that was extensive and dramatic. (For perspective, when did Mugabe’s bulldozing homes in Zimbabwe merit such attention? or the eviction of Latinos in Long Island?)

Yet for all the uproar, those departing Gaza — whether asked, pushed, pulled — have a large check awaiting them. For land that was in occupied territories in the first place. A tactical move intended to secure a larger land grab in the West Bank, according to Gush-Shalom (who identify as the “hard core of the Israeli peace movement”).

Part of the Change

Found this link

On my "friends" page on livejournal....I LOVE this idea. I had never even heard of "Humanity's Team." Glad I caught it, and just at the right time, as usual.

Go, check it out.

http://www.nealedonaldwalsch.com/partofchange/cards.cfm

No, I mean, go, right now! smile

ADD

Do you suppose it is a symptom of ADD when you call someone and the whole time you are talking to them they are talking to other people and can hardly hear what you are saying? This happens with Bre often and it drives me crazy. If it were me and I were too busy to talk, I would a) not answer my phone or b) tell you right away that I am in the middle of something and ask if I could call you back.

But to tell the truth, I don't think he was too involved to talk, I think he just doesn't think the conversation needs his attention. That sounds horrible, but that is the way I think lots of our conversation goes. If I say, my calves are sore, his immediate response is that his tendon is sore. He doesn't even bother with, "oh, really? You know, my tendon..." It is almost as if he didn't even hear me. Just enough to remind him of something he wanted to say...Oh, like a couple of weeks ago (this is bad, Martha, really bad that you are compiling these things) we were on the phone and I said that the county had called me back (job prospect) and he said, "oh, there was a job listing that came out for current employees (which he is, not me) and it had something to do with sign language." "What was the job?" I asked. Now, I could have stayed on track with my story, but I though, ok, Martha, he wants to say something and you need to listen. Then he went on, he couldn't remember really what it was about, etc and then changed the subject and we got off the phone 10 minutes later and he never asked me about the county (getting a full-time job has only been my #1 goal for 8 months now) as if I had never said a word. What the hell is that about?! Who would not notice that?
I am really annoyed by that behavior. I don't think it means he doesn't care about me, but it still really annoys me. I know it is a bad habit but dang.

Currently reading: Your Blues Ain't Like Mine (Ballantine Reader's Circle) By Bebe Moore Campbell Release date: By 10 August, 1993

Dog goal

My poor puppy. I set a goal about two weeks ago to walk her every day. Back when we lived in those many apartments, we walked or ran every day. Now that I have the house, well, suffice it to say it has become more of an event. And she is getting older and she could use the walk - besides the fact that she likes it. In two weeks we have managed 3 walks, I think. And now I am getting ready to head out to work again...poor baby. Maybe we could make it out if we left right now...

Body for life

Current mood: determined

Ok, so, a few days ago I got a way too good look at myself in a full-length mirror. I know that beauty isn't everything etc etc, however, I was not pleased at all with what I saw. I actually considered surgery for a while...I was thinking, yeah, tummy tuck, how bad can that be? Yeah, ok, so I looked it up online and was shocked back to reality, looking at before and after photos...

After feeling crappy and depressed a while, I decided that now was the time to do something about it. Those of you who know me know that I have tended to be healthy over all, vegetarian/semi vegetarian, I run, I eat organic, I don't drink or smoke (ok, the occasional cigarette or margarita - you know what I mean!), I do lots of things right. And I have had "issues" with my weight more or less since I was 18. I have had periods in my life where I felt good about the way I look, but I have also spent hours and hours running and lifting weights and doing STEP aerobic and trying to get leaner.

Over the years, I have found that for me, hitting it hard has not paid off. When I was running the most miles and spending the most time at the gym, I didn't lose an inch. I did lose inches while doing a very mild exercise program once, and lost some pounds when I did what my doc told me and began eating 6 times a day and I also lost some pounds when I was spending every early evening dancing (yeah, at a bar, at happy hour, pretty much alone on the dance floor).

I also lost some pretty decent inches in 11 weeks with Body for Life when I did it with my sister.

So, that is the thing. I am not prepared to find a bar and dance every evening at happy hour, I don't think I can find the fitness instructor that led the library staff in calisthenics all those years ago, but I can do the body for life plan. In fact, I am going to invite my sister to do it with me.

Currently listening: Race Is on By George Jones Release date: By 20 June, 1995

Goals

Goals are good...I like having them...here there are.

Meditate twice a day - whenever

Sleep...need a goal about sleep...I was doing very well at getting my 8 hours...I have never slept 8 hours a night, even as a kid I woke up early and tried to stay up till everyone was in bed...anyway I tried it out and was kind of getting into it...I was getting up and going back to sleep when Bre was there, but it was working...I am kind of going on and on here...

You know, I was reading my wise womyn friend's blog entries and I was so inspired, I wanted to write something that might inspire someone...but I see this is not the time...

Moving my body...formally and informally...running, lifting, dancing. Do you know how long it has been since I went dancing?! Way too long. A few months, at least. Maybe Friday.

The thing is...

That every moment is new. I can choose, and choose and choose. Right now. And now. And now.

Working in my field, that is great, actually using my degree to generate money, cool.

In a healthy, happy, growing relationship. Very cool.

I have pretty much given up being a vegetarian, instead I am a food snob...nothing that has been mistreated, no processing, no chemicals, no refined sugar, no blah blah blah. Ok, not really NO processing, sugar etc. Just not much of it. That is swell.

I run, I work out, I have a membership to the Y (thanks, Bre) and my body still does pretty much everything I ask it to. More wonderfulness.

Could meditate more, could yoga more, could rest more, but really, I am doing pretty fine.

Today is my sister's birthday

So. I have had a rough week....maybe two weeks. Better ask Bre, he might make it longer than that even. I am feeling down and generally so...it is somehow worse for me than feeling bad about something...even the work thing...

If I feel bad about something, then often I can turn that frown upside down...see the good parts of it or its usefulness...

General feeling bad colors my life in washed out cotton weave, heavy and cloying, damp and lifeless. My days are long, drawn out affairs, with periods of near spastic movement, an underlying feeling of dread urging everything along. Along, not forward, but somehow out and around, pressing up against the need to change but never quite breaking free. Sharp spikes of time break up the line and keep the grey from peeling back and revealing color. Ideas surface like bubbles in mud and are just as rapidly covered over again.

Love? Light? Joy?

whatever

Currently reading: Atlas Shrugged By Ayn Rand Release date: By 01 August, 1999

work

I spent so much time looking for work...and now that I have work...I am still unhappy. I have explained my unhappiness over and over again until even I am sick of hearing it. I know that telling my unhappy story over and over only cements it in my mind, in the universe, but somehow, I don't stop myself.

I read some wise womyn's blog and she talked about changing her attitude...I am sure I can use that to my advantage...Change it to what, though? What is it I want?

I want to write. I want to help people. I want to live and love and feel respected. I want to serve.

Whate am I doing? I do help people. I do live and love and I feel respected by some...

Did I mention how envious and and and and what else did I feel? Envious and maybe kind of stupid while listening to my friend in Denver talk about her new course of study. I felt envious that my studies have not captured me like that in a long time. And stupid in that I feel like I never did my passions justice somehow, I didn't learn enough somehow. I am sure I cannot speak on psychology with nearly the deapth and breadth that she spoke of archeology.

Currently reading: Take Off Your Glasses and See : A Mind/Body Approach to Expanding Your Eyesight and Insight By Jacob Liberman Release date: By 14 November, 1995

Overnights again

Yes, something like the friend that only calls you when they need something...somehow I have gotten so far from writing, I don't even write for myself anymore. How does that happen? I know that writing about things helps me process, helps me feel better, even, yet in recent times of trial...hmmmm. What have I been doing?

I think I remember...yessssss...I know what I have been doing. Nothing. I mean nothing for me...not really. I find myself rushing from to do item to to do item...I hate rushing around like that. I have been disorganized and way too messy around my desk (yeah, I am a neat freak about once a week when I am myself - you know, I let it build up a while then I can't take it anymore and I have to clean everything). I have run but only because I felt like I SHOULD...what happened to my favorite saying, "never should on yourself or anyone else"? Have I forgotten the eye of my father? Yes, I think I have...

Currently listening: The Remix Album: Diamonds Are Forever By Shirley Bassey Release date: By 13 February, 2001

Over my head

A couple of days after getting back I was hit with a serious feeling of being overwhelmed, by work, my bills, everything. I know that sometimes people talk about coming down after a vacation but I have never noted it in myself...until now? I mean I was feeling ragged.
I feel better today overall, but I do still feel crappy about my haphazard approach to my life's work...when did I get this way? I think I used to have a goal and purpose.
I love working as a therapist.......but.....but what? What is it you are whining about, Martha? I dunno for sure. still puzzling that out.
I was talking to a guy at work tonight who really wants to discuss his life's path and he kept asking if certain degrees might not limit him, and I kept coming back to the same question...what is your passion, what is it you want to do? Because that is the way to be sure you will succeed. If you life's passion is to accumulate the most wealth you can (because that seemed to be his question, he wanted to help people and he like the idea of therapy but he was afraid he wouldn't make enough money) than that is what you need to pursue, not therapy. Do what you love and the money will follow. Define sucess...is it money and riches? Is it freedom of time? Does it mean not having to think about your work? Is it about helping people? With their feelings or with buying a new house? With their debt or with their selection of a new companion?
Practice what you preach, womyn.

Interesting reading

Well, I am exceedingly tired but have to write a few lines. Denver was fabulous, except that I came back really hating where I am. I know that to get to any "next" place you have to love and accept the NOW place that you are, but sometimes it is so hard. Not that I want to be in Denver. Now that my Kayeleigh is leaving - even before she was actually gone - it feels kind of empty to me. Listening to her talk about her passion (the Moche) and about her upcoming work in grad school made me feel achingly good for her and also kind of bad about my own, lackluster approach to my passions.
I want to be that, do that, have that sparkle that "in love with" attitude about my passions again - I am sure I had it once. Now I feel under educated, less than knowledgable and kind of like I have been just plain lazy.
Teachers are all around us...

Denver

Bre always says that for me, sleep is optional. That is not exactly true, although I have tended to only need 5 or 6 hours a night in the past. I have been trying to get more sleep as an effort towards more health lately, and I really noticed when I cut down my hours this last 10 days. Also, he knows that when he is not over, I go to bed really late, 4 or 5 am. Part of that, as I explained to him, is that I get to do exactly what I want in those hours, with no distractions (usually reading). Part of it too, though, is that I hate to get into that bed without him. It seems kind of pointless, as there is no one to cuddle with...

So, talked all night with Kayeleigh, then got up late and talked all afternoon. We only had to be at the curtis's by 5 or 6...couldn't even make that appt! We went to eat at a wonderful Mexican place then drove around. She showed me how to get to the house where I will be house sitting and hence back to her place (she lives in a part of denver I am pretty sure I never spent any time in). We also went to see the new art museum which is, guess what? Yeah, a giant upside down triangle hanging over a street. We have a new building like that in Minneapolis too, I think.

Then we came home and talked some more. We talked about Giovanni and it was very interesting to compare stories...Giovanni was fooling around on her too...probably with the same girl he was fooling around on me with!

Anyway, things are going very well. I also did some work (after she went to bed) so that I can mail in my billing while I am here.

Haven't actually read much...guess will have to start that tmw. Also didn't run today, but i plan on doing so tmw from the Curtis's. My old roads there...I am interested to see how that feels.

Can't believe it is thursday already! Been smoking...hope to cut back before Bre arrives...smile. Also been drinking some raspberry tea. I don't know if it is the same as the one I liked at Cucumbers, but I like it, anyway. She has been cutting back on coffee so she switched to tea.

I think this weekend is going to be fabulous! We can do the art museum thing, Monday we are going to a barbeque with some friends of hers and maybe going down to the springs where her cousin is having a party. Lots of drinking will be going on there, but might go down just to see them. Kayeleigh quit drinking in Italy. She went to "alkie" classes there (her words) and she said it was wonderful and supportive. She realized that she wasn't doing herself any good. I want to ask more about it, especially after all the conversations we have had at work (PI) about AA and such but I haven't yet.

It was great speaking in Italian, too. Nice for both of us to remember. She claims she is not fluent but speaks well. Her place is much like I remember her spaces to be, cluttered and a little chaotic. She has tons of things in boxes...she has been gone much of the summer and then has to move at the end of...uh...july i think. She is going to be teaching undergrad archeology in the fall, kind of nervous about it, but not overly so. She is so smart, but doesn't give herself enough credit...yet. I am kind of embarrased...feel like I do not know nearly as much about psych as she does about archeology. I guess I need to do some more reading on my own about such things...I really only did the minimum in classes except for the practical application ones...and maybe there too...

Currently listening: Awedony By Amr Diab Release date: By 13 February, 2001

here I am, on the road again

No, that isn't exactly right, I'm not on the road at all, I am actually at work. Feeling more tired tonight than either of the other nights I did this...could that be a cumulative effect? Huh.

Getting ready for my trip to denvah...although there is a part of me that wants to stay, nowadays, stay and get a little more settled in my new job. But it can wait, I know it can. Right? Not like it is going to go away...

Yah, it is going on 4 am...that is great.

Hey, was just listening to Song of Susannah in the car...that is a great story. Seriously. So what if I read it recently? Was great hearing it again anyway.

Currently listening: Trick Pony By Trick Pony Release date: By 13 March,

Calling people

at 4 a.m. to leave a message isn't crazy...is it? I mean, I know she isn't at work...after I hung up I thought, there will be a time stamp on that message you know, martha. And she is going to think you are nuts! Oh well, too late now.

Having a hard time reading, which I find strange. Ok, the truth is I haven't actually tried, but I haven't wanted to at all, either.

I filled out the Walden application and started the U of M one. yay me. I decided it isn't worth freaking out about. Either I will be admitted or not. I can only do the paperwork and hope for the best.

Feeling sleepy now...maybe I am crazy to have offered to do Saturday and Sunday's overnights, too...maybe I should re-think that...hmmmmm...

yeah, anyway. Not doing much clear thinking right now!

working another night shift

This is really working out well for my blog life, anyway. So, slept some today, got about 4.5 hours in, then I just had to get up. I kept thinking about what I needed to do later in the day...and wouldn't you know it, my first appt of the day cancelled, could have gotten at least one more hour...

But, I did get my work out in this evening and I feel very good about that. It is much nicer having a routine - I really do feel better when my life is more organized...at least some parts.

Saw some clients today that made me realize, yet again, how good my life is.

Working on my Walden application tonight, that is probably half of the reason I am here, posting. Cuz then I am not there, writing my (dun dun duuuun) LETTER OF INTENT. My intention is....my intention is to go to school forever. Can't I just say that to someone?

Currently reading: Song of Susannah (The Dark Tower, Book 6) By Stephen King

Emerson Quote

To laugh often and love much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children. To earn the apreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty and to find the best in others, To give of one's self and to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition, to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation, to know that even one life has breathed easier, This is to have succeeded...

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Currently reading: Creating True Prosperity By Shakti Gawain

Wondering where I am at 2:12?

Working. Yes, working. I figured I needed to pick up a few shifts before taking this trek to Denver so I would have some cashola in my pocket when I got back. Nothing like going on vacation and coming back broke! I am doing tonight and tomorrow night...and maybe Saturday and Sunday overnights too. We'll see how this set goes, first.

Work is going good, this job is cool, either very slow or very chaotic. The other non-therapy therapy job, in home therapy, that is very good. I think I won't have any difficulty at all with getting hours and such. I like all my clients so far, and hope I can be helpful. I have 13 cases already - even though I am still called part-time. I hope to get right up to full time when I get back from Denver.

Then I want to drop my Thursday evening and Saturday evening here. I know that may be a bummer for here, but I need Thursdays to do in-home and Saturdays....well, i need them for me!

Maybe I will just drop Thursdays...Which reminds me, I was planning on doing myself a little budget tonight, figure out where I am....

Currently reading: Stolen Lives : Twenty Years in a Desert Jail By Malika Oufkir

Body dismorphia

So, yeah, you know how it is about getting fit - trying to reach some goals, we all know that stuff, right? So I am running the Twin Cities marathon in October, and I really want to run respectably. I do not want to finish in 6 hours, I want to run the course. I was doing very well marathon training two years ago, but then the hip/foot trouble started and then I sort of accidentally re-started smoking and that kind of changed my stamina strategy. NO no, don't laugh. I kept running. I didn't stop, even when my smoking increased to half a pack a day. Seriously. But my stamina went down so fast, it was not pretty.

So, anyway, I quit again...when? I can't remember. Before we went to italy, so before November. I think before I got canned, too, so maybe August of last year. But my stamina still sucks! (So far. gotta remember to talk nice to myself) I am still working on it. I haven't given up hope.

Bre ran in Grandma's marathon last weekend, and he did great. 54 seconds too slow to qualify for Boston, but still great. He is quite a guy....

How hard is it to be happy with the body you've got? I mean, even while striving to be healthier, fitter, whatever-er, I know that it is best for me to love myself the way I am, but dang. Some days that is too hard. Seems too hard.

Currently reading: Conquistador: A Novel of Alternate History By S. M. Stirling

more more more, how do you like it?

So, another thing about this trip to Denver...I will be seeing my bestest, oldest (ok, she isn't old...you know what I mean), bestest friend in the whole world. We haven't seen each other in a while, so it is a little strange...I mean, we had a period in which we didn't communicate at all, and so there will be kind of some stuff...I am not really sure at all how this will be, but I am anticipating long nights of talk...which I so miss!

We have been talking on the phone for a few months and dang. She is so my best friend. Even if we do have some crazy history to get over. It's worth it.

been a long time since I rock 'n' rolled....

Current mood: Wooo hoooo!

Yeah, been a long time since I was here, but that is good news, mostly. I am working two part-time jobs, which is great, considering my unemployment ran out....

I am doing therapy at both jobs, although neither place calls what I do therapy (because I am not licensensed). On the one hand, that seems wrong to me, on the other, I'm cool with that, for now.

I am applying for graduate school (yes, again) - both at Walden (some kind of semi-shady on-line deal) and at the glorious and grand U of MN. Although the U of M is more glorious, I can't actually start until Sept 2006...so far away...but at Walden i could start this Sept (which kind of adds to their semi-shadiness "wouldn't want to be a member of any club that would let me join" or something like that.

Relationship stuff is going well - wedding plans are in the making (although lately I have been thinking more about the honeymoon - I want to go somewhere cool and new that we can discover together...but I would love to go to italy and see my ka-tet over there, too....)

Kids are doing well, school is out and the vacation is on! We are all going to Denver next week...this is so crazy and yet seems perfectly reasonable to me. This will be our first "family" vacation, and we are so doing it NOT together. Let me try to explain. I leave on the 28th, then Bre comes out on the 1st. He comes back to MN on the 4th or 5th. Laura comes out on the 6th. Bre and Eric come out on the 9th and we all come back to MN on the 10th. yay for family vacations....

Currently reading: The Giver By Lois Lowry

Mary Tues 11

Forgot to tell about Mary. She called Tuesday before I saw my client and "picked my brain" about group home stuff. She told me she is still thinking of using her home as a group home and wondered if I would like to come and run it. I told her (after much discussion) that if I wasn't able to run it, I would be willing to help her get it set up. Really, once the thing is up and running it runs itself, in my experience.
It was kind of cool to feel like an expert at something again.

More shopping

I went shopping again! if you can believe it, because I wanted to go to Sam's. I got stuff for smores and more chips (who is going to eat all this, Martha?) and also some chicken wings. I know, I know, that isn't vegetarian but I like wings, and I really want to try them out on the grill! Eric and I will be experimenting with sauces...
Then went down and Beng, Eric and I went to Burrito Loco (yummy) and then to see Kung Fu Hustle. It was clever. I liked it, considering it is a fighting and kicking kind of movie.
Laura called for a ride but we didn't answer so she called her mom...oops. Beng got there at the same time as Celeste. Oh well. The joys of distance parenting, I guess.
I chatted with Laura a while after she got home, despite Beng's not-so-subtle hints about getting some sleep. I know what it is like to get home after doing something and needing to come down some before you head off to bed, so I figured even if she went straight to bed she wouldn't be sleeping...
Beng and I talked wedding plans after the kids were both in bed...that was exciting too! Ahhhh. Life is good.

Interesting coincidences

Went to sleep kinda late so slept in some (till 10). Detta and I surprised Amy when we came down...hee hee.
I got a call from Aunt Sharon this morning - kind of surprised me. She is concerned (as ever) about her niece and she talked to me for quite a while. It seems someone finally called 911 after she threw a fit and she ended up at Regions. What has happened since then is outrageous and I think Aunt Sharon is right to be upset. I would be too. In fact, I am. But there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. So far. I did page Curt and let him know that Aunt Sharon called, and that what she was reporting about Jo did not sound good. Just writing about it makes me feel upset again. And, I find myself in the position of expert again. What does it mean? I was just discussing these same things with Mary on Tuesday.
Anyway, then I looked up Fraser on line and they had a postion open for lead therapist at the preschool mental health area!!! Yay. I sent an email resume immediately and contacted the choir member too, asking if I could use her name (she said yes). I didn't get anything back from Fraser but I can be patient (which one is a person who is going to see a doctor and which one means able to wait, I can never remember). Very exciting!

Some Quotes

That I came across recently...

"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains,
and we never even know we have the key."
--The Eagles

"We must be ever thankful for small miracles, and ever hopeful
for receiving greater ones."
-Elmer Shultz

"Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both
together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is
the soul of genius."
~ Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Wed night choir

So, went shopping for the big birthday party...I got enough goodies for 5 parties. I got kind of carried away, I guess. It was fun, though.
Then I went down to choir (dropped off the dog first and chatted a bit with the kids). We had a folding party, just like Beng does at the Men's Center. Except this was kind of disorganized. I don't know if they did that before or if they put out only a few so they have to figure it out every time. I know I am kind of anal about the whole "let's do this efficiently" thing...but still. Anyway, it went fine, they don't have that many so it was ok in the end.
While we were folding and stuffing I was talking (well, they were talking and I just jumped in) about therapy stuff and it turns out that one of the womyn is a therapist and I was telling her about the big job hunt and Nystrom (she raised an eyebrow) and she suggested I call Fraser - that they have a preschool mental health unit and it is a rule 29 place.
Beng and I talked and did a crossword till nearly midnight then I came home.

Interview

Hey, so just got back from the interview. I think it went really well! I am excited about getting to work there. Gina said that the "christian" part is more about how they interact in the office and how the business is run than about the clients, most of the clients they see don't know anything about the christian counselors part. I was very straightforward about my own beliefs not being very conservative on that front and about the fact that I believe that what people believe is very important. We talked about groups and she recognized the Love and Logic stuff.
I think it went well.
I talked to Beng right afterwards, he was holding in some skeptiscism because of some experience he had with another agency, but he thinks it sounded good too. Yay.
Then I was looking at email and guess who wrote me? Yeah, Lloyd....hmmmm.
Ok, I gotta eat so I can get a work out in before choir...

Yeah, very nice, very professional

Ok, so I emailed People Inc, still no response. Ok. Very nice. Went running with Beng and Detta at the dog park last night, was great. I got 1.5 in at home during the day and another 3 at the dog park. And I ran into a womyn from TCWC and it was cool. Don't remember her name, but I do remember the name of the dog...smile...Toby.
Then we went to Italian night, that was ok. I found out why Pablo always evades me about his kids...it is a painful topic. Ooops.
Then we went to Ihop and had omlettes.

Kukenhoff 

here goes

Ok, here goes, I am going to make the dreaded call now. I do not know why this is so hard for me. Maybe, Martha, because you don't really want this job? Maybe because you are waiting for the Nystrom thing to work out? Maybe I will wait.
Oh, I know, I will email them. That seems much less scary. Now where is that card?
I am going to attempt to run afterwards. Ok. Here goes.

Waited for a call

All day but I never did get one. I don't know if that means the job is not available or what. Sheesh. I hate to call back, so I am waiting till tomorrow.
I really did feel lazy all day today. I just could not get it together to really do anything. I did send a gift to a friend, but that was really all I accomplished. I was going to run but hip and chest pain stopped me. Instead I did an upper body work out. Felt good.
Amy came home unexpectedly (I thought she was working her 2nd job - but not until Wed) and we talked in the kitchen and watched Judging Amy, including the season finale. Bre got in as it was ending. It was a good ending, very emotional.
Bre and I came upstairs with popcorn and watched a Jonathon Winters special. He is so good. I didn't remember that most of what he did was improv.
Whew it was humid! ml

Mother's day

We got up slowly again, that is so nice. Bre went out and got the paper. He attempted to finish cutting the grass. I thought he was doing that so spent some time in front of the computer - sent some emails and such - but when I went outside it turned out he couldn't get the mower started.
I also called Mommy while he was outside. She was doing fine, had had a good day with Grace and Daddy and also the Lockards were there (at lunch). She told me a story about Beaver and Wally (yes, that Beaver and Wally) and how Wally's girlfriend wanted an orchid. I love my Mommy.
He finished putting the string in the boxes (to mark off the squares) and put up the climbing part. I got all the plants in the ground - even the sunflowers.
We put lime under the pines out front and also put out the seed for wild flowers and clover. I hope it takes. I cooked out while Bre was raking pine cones. I am still working on my veggie techniques. There were some burned green beans tonight.
Tonight we watched People I Know. Very sad. I had to watch some soap opera after to cleanse the pallette before sleeping!

Gardening

Saturday we slept in then ate breakfast late, it was very nice. Then we headed out to Home Depot for garden stuff. Bob cut the grass while I started putting the string on the boxes. Then the neighbor's daughter came over. We chatted a while. I guess Louise is "terminal" (her daughter's description). She is all done with treatments and medicine and I guess they don't think she will last much more then a few months. It is sad.

Bob took his long run while I was at the concert. Sopranos cleaned up afterward...and we were faster than the altos...smile.
We came home then went out to eat - Baker's Square seems like the only place we go anymore. Then we came home and watched Sabrina, most of it, the original. It was strange, we were up very late, like 3 am.

Thursday and Friday

So, dress rehearsal went well, and I decided those were not the boots to wear...lets not get carried away with fashion! Came home after stopping in at Bre's and having a long conversation...
Friday I decided to take the job with People Inc and called, but Karen was not in. I left a message.
Seems like I spent the whole day getting ready for the concert...
The concert went well, Bob and Laura and Eric were there as were Eve and Tom. There were only a few mistakes and I don't think people noticed. We passed out the desserts and I sat with Bob and the kids. I wore my Docs, the cool ones with heels...yeah, not so cool. Bruised my little foot...
Anyway it was a great night. Bob took the kids back to their mom's after then we came home together. I ate Eric's leftovers and we watched Enterprise.
ml

Wed night

Went well, I was late, but it was ok anyway. They hadn't actually begun singing. Also I forgot my scarf thingy. Oh well.
I was thinking about the running thing...I think the reason I have gone to treadmill is that pain under the second metatarsil...running outside today was great and invigorating but man, I was definitely limping at the end.
After choir went to Bre's. We had some uncomfortable conversation - but I think we managed to come to a kind of resolve before I left. I don't like it when he doesn't ask me about my day...and that is getting to be a bigger and bigger issue, which makes sense. We have talked about it more than once and it does drive me crazy faster now than before. I know that we all have different ways of showing we care but that one is paramount for me, I like to feel that he is interested in my day, etc. But it is more than that, too. It is like my parents - yes - I know it is cliche - but it works. It is like Grace sending me Glamour shots for my birthday one year. That was a gift she wanted, not one I wanted. It is all well and good to have your way of showing someone you care, but if you don't show them in a way they understand, they wont understand!
Hmmmm. I think I said it better here than there. Funny how that heat of the moment thing gets in and smears your thinking.
The thing is, I do not doubt that he loves me, that he cares, not at all. I know he does things like forcing himself to stay up late because he thinks I want him to (because I stay up late) and forcing himself to do jobs around the house instead of sitting around reading, I know those are things he thinks he does for me. The only problem is, I don't want him to do them. I am not opposed to him sleeping when he is tired or to him sitting around relaxing on weekends. I have told him that, but he has yet to really believe me, I think.
I think I will write him an email right now, while I am feeling particularly clear.

Smart chicken email and response

I wrote an email to www.smartchicken.com because there was no word on their web site about free range...

Comments:
---------------
I am wondering if your chickens are free range or if they grow, like
many industry chickens, in small cages?
Thanks,
Martha


Martha -
Thanks so much for your e-mail and your interest in our premium
air-chilled product, Smart Chicken. None of the birds raised for Smart
Chicken are ever caged or debeaked. The birds raised for Organic Smart
Chicken are "free-range" and are allowed access to the outdoors, when
USDA temperature regulations allow it. None of the birds are given
animal by-products, antibiotics, hormones or growth promotants of any
kind. MBA Poultry is the only company in the United States that has
installed a Controlled Atmosphere Stunning system in which a mixture of
carbon dioxide and oxygen renders the birds into a sleep state prior to
the sacrifice. The growers of the birds are part owners of MBA Poultry,
so they are very attuned to the welfare of the birds. We also have live
production staff that visits each farm on a weekly basis to assure that
the strict growing standards of MBA Poultry are adhered to. Thanks
again for your e-mail, Martha. Have a great weekend, and remember,
"When you think chicken ... think Smart!"
Warm regards,
Mark A. Haskins
Founder/President/CEO
MBA Poultry (Home of Smart Chicken)

Yes, this is, in fact, a picture of a raspberry bush that we took from beside the railroad tracks last year and hope will produce something this year. Notice how I cleverly added Detta in the picture "for size referencing." smile 

Raised beds...going into service this weekend! 

I'm hungry now, too

Right, ok, so, the reason I came upstairs at 115 or so was to get a utility knife...

ipod woes

Yes, I have a great, wonderful ipod. Only problem is, it malfunctioned about a month ago. You remember, there was a silly post about the geek squad guy...anyway, now that it is working, I discovered that my files on itunes are all screwed up and I am having to re-organize everything. We are talking about something like 12000 songs or something, which I loaded over the course of the last...4 or 5 years...so now on my ipod there is only one album - because I am reorganizing itunes keeps telling me it can't find my music...
Yes, this really is the biggest problem in my life right now. Somehow that is both sad and good...

Prolific

So, while trying to keep three blog sites posted currently, I realized that I can write quite a bit. Who cares that I haven't done anything else? Like, shower? I have been sitting here since...uh..about 1 oclock in my sweaty running clothes...is that wrong?
I am also planning a trip to Denver. It is working out so sweetly! The Curtis's are going out of town and I will house sit for them - which will pretty much cover my ticket! Yay. Bre will come out then come out alone and then Laura and then Eric. I know it sounds kind of complicated, but that is the kind of family we are...complicated.
Things are coming together nicely, I think. Gonna call and accept that job offer now...
Then I am taking a shower, I swear!

Sore...

So, yesterday I ran two miles and did a lower body work out. And I noticed that I was a little tight, but today I am feeling sore. I ran 4.6 outside today...outside is beautiful. I really don't know at what point I stopped enjoying running outside. A couple of years ago, I only ran outside. I was running in the freezing cold, the boiling hot...I almost never used my treadmill (and sometimes felt guilty, but not enough to actually use it....). This year, this past 8 months or so, though, I have run almost exclusively on the treadmill. I mean I ran at Bre's cuz a) there is no treadmill there and b) there are gorgeous lakes...but really, I think this is only my third time outside since...January? No, that can't be right. At any rate, I got out there and was glad I decided to go without the dog. She would have been suffering. It isn't hot, don't get me wrong, but it is hotter than she would like.
I am beat.
I also spent some more money today...I got some more things for making lotion stuff (the last batch was kind of a failure, but I am not going to quit!) and what else? Something...
Yesterday I ordered more books...cuz you always need more books...
That is it, though, Martha...you are a good steward of your money....
Today I am getting a gift for Mind Traveler...I was thinking as I sat down today (at the computer) and saw that there was a new posting, "how strange it is that I seem to be making friends with someone so far away, someone I never met." That is how it feels, anyway, I read the posts regularly, I feel like I kind of get a feel for her life...computers are strange things, no doubt.

Monday and Tuesday

Beautiful Monday...Monday the first of May! I ran 2 miles and did an upper body workout. Bre ran tonight. Then we had a lovely supper...rissoto with butternut squash and I cooked a "Smart Chicken" http://www.smartchicken.com/index2.html on the grill. It was pretty good, if I do say so myself. I also cooked a spaghetti squash, an acorn squash and potatoes...
Tuesday ran 4 miles, went to Italian night - oh, got a call on an application I put in that I didn't even remember, but it sounded interesting (that was Monday) so I was all excited. Ingrid was there again but Giorgio wasn't. Which was nice cuz I didn't call him and I feel kind of bad about that. Bre ran again before we left. It was a good night...
We are only eating fruit again - but I cheated. My client was in such a good mood I couldn't let her eat alone. Made my stomach sick right away, though. Yucky food.

Friday finally

Ok, so then, what happened next? Thursday night I stayed over but was too wired! No more of that. Friday I had an interview...or was that Thursday? Must have been Thursday. Anyway, I forgot my stupid shoes! Sheesh. Had to wear tennies and prayed no one would care/notice.
The place was close to Bre's, seemed like one step up from a group home. I was interested but not sure if I was actually qualified. Called bre after leaving and he answered the scenerio question they gave me much better than I did!
I also bought tickets for Cirque du Solei Friday (must have been feeling rich).
Friday night...no idea anymore what happened...
Saturday I had practice...oh, wait ok, I remember. Eric and Bre came up Friday night, we went out to eat...Bre had a nap then when to my favorite restuarant, Kings and had great Korean food. We got home pretty late I think, watched some tv then to bed.
Saturday I went to practice, Bre and Eric stayed here. I went by Bre's after to get Laura but she wanted to stay home. So I came up, we cooked out (Boca brats....hmmmm) and then back to Bre's. Laura was still there but heading out. Ah, that is why we got home late...we must have shopped...I remember shopping with Eric and Bre, at my Cub's...but I can't remember, oh no, that was Saturday when I got back from choir.
Then (this is Saturday, now, keep up) we went to uptown, dropped off Laura and went looking for Eric's friends. We found them, playing the guitar (badly) and pretending to be homeless. I am telling you, that is just a shame!
Eric hung out with them for about 30 min while we went to a bookstore. Then we got fancy desserts and went home.
Sunday...Laura got home at 830 surprising everyone out of bed. I never did get back to sleep, kind of hard with Eric creeping around peeking at us and making noise in the living room. A door, a door, my kingdom for a door...
Laura cleaned up, Eric cleaned up (missed the Saturday cleaning thing) and then she went back out again (trying to finish a project). She looked beat before she even left!
I came home Sunday night, didn't I? Yes, I believe I did. I think I left before she came back. Oh, Eric and Bre and I did something because when they got back home, she was in bed...what did we do? Oh, yeah, pizza from Zebras and watched Brazil with Amy. Very strange, very strange movie. Right we were in one car Saturday so they had to give me a ride back.

Dude, I am still way behind

How did that happen? Ok, so Monday went shopping some. Also went to Sam's to get groceries and such...I think...No, that was the 22nd...Went with Bre that day...
Tuesday was Italian night...this is really getting ridiculous. Last Tuesday, which was...uh...th 26th, that is the night that I got the migrain lecture... I think I said that was the 19th but that is so wrong. Yes and on the 26th Ingrid was there again and we chatted about cake...(it must have been on the 19th that I met her, yes, that would be right because I asked Brenda if she knew her). She is very cool and speaks 17 langauges! and Signs 6. We chatted some in ASL at the end of the evening (duh, on the 19th).
So Wed the 27th there was choir practice...met early with the octet (sort of) that was singing at Judy Fjell's concert on the 28th. People seemed to be rolling there eyes as Carol led the group (could be my imagination, but if not). The way I see it, if you want to take over, do it. She was nice enough to lead the group when no one else wanted to. Stayed at Bre's.
Thursday night was the concert with Judy Fjell. Laura came with me...singing was terrifying but wonderful. Judy afterwards was fantastic. She is wonderful to listen to, speaking and singing and her songs really do touch you emotionally. Some are funny and some are sad and some make you want to jump up and change the world.

Independent...yeah...

So, went on my interview, really liked the place and the folks...but not the hours. It would be 2 overnights and Thursday and Saturday nights if I want to be full time (plus another shift to be determined). Came home and found an email from Nystrom - they sound kind of interested...exciting...
Ran, ate (more cheating, ate my korean leftovers...they were gonna go bad, I had to!) and headed down. I dropped the dog off at Bre's then went to practice.
Practice was good, someone turned around (we were sitting in octets) and told me I sang that really well (we were singing the Penitant). mmmmm...warm glow.
Yes, this is me, independent of the good opinion of others....
Talked over the work thing with Bre...hmmmm also talked to Mommy today, after running, before leaving the house...
I decided I could take the two shifts, Thursday and Saturday and pick up others (like on-call) and kind of give the Nystrom thing a chance to work out...

Monday April 25

Kinda went crazy, shopped at Northtown...right, I went to pick up my iPod, I think. Anyway I got some new tongue rings, very cool. And earring backs.

Anyway

So, the thing really did go well. We brought the kids back Sunday night (to their mom's) and came back over here...I think we went out to eat - or shopping. The only thing to eat at the party was some strange "hot dish," rice pudding, ham-salad sandwiches and cake. Since I have become the world's pickiest eater, I didn't eat much. For lunch I had two peanut butter rice crispy bars, then I had a roll with strawberry jam.
At any rate, we went somewhere afterwards...

Sunday, April 24th

Sigh. Ok, so, Sunday we leapt out of bed and rushed to pick up Grandma's corsage (ah, yes, that reminds me that Friday after Bre came home we headed out to Fair's nursery for vermiculite) at Fair's nursery. It was lovely. Then to pick the kids up, then off to Buffalo (Minnesota).
The day went pretty well, all things considered. Mom liked the flower and the necklace Bre picked up at the Swedish Institute (she did not seem as excited about the candy dish...). Bruce (older brother) was nice and had hands like Daddy's, big and work worn. His wife was very pleasent to talk to. One of his sons was there too, but he didn't talk much. Roger was there with his wife and kids, they did Blessed Assurance for mom...woah. Those boys have pretty voices!
Lots of people showed up, which was lovely for Delphi. One talked about when they were in some factory working in 1945!
The kids did ok, Eric only came to me whining about 5 times, most of that after 2 pm, which I consider pretty good. Laura was like the pied piper, leading Eric, the two cousins (Roger's kids) and another cousin, second cousin (they live not far from my house...damn...I was supposed to email them) all around the room. Every time she stopped, they sort of congealed around her.
Hmmm. Bob went running and I think he came in about 10 minutes ago, but he hasn't come upstairs. I am going down to check if he is alive...

Where was I?

So, did I get Friday in or not? Friday I had the interview, must have run after. Bre came home here...who knows what we did...Brenda let me know she was planning on coming Saturday, with Jane Rose - Oh, I know, I got DIRT on, uh, Wednesday. And I mailed out half.com books, too.
Saturday Bre went out and moved a ton (no joke, seriously a ton) of dirt into the new raised beds we made while I printed photos for brenda. She didn't bring Jane Rose after all (car seat issues) but it was fun anyway, chatting about things. I always wish we were more friends, we have many similar tastes in books and love to discuss things together...
At 145 she left, which was a good thing because I was slow getting it together trying to leave. We went and had massages in Chaska (farther away than Excelsior) and then stopped at Bre's before taking off for St. Paul. We ate dinner at Cafe Latte, eyeing desserts that we would eat later...
Off to the concert at O'Shaughnessy (yeah, I spelled it right, too). The first half was FABULOUS! Then the intermission....the second half was not as fabulous. Course we were both tired and maybe just a little overwhelmed with our day...
At any rate, we left there and stopped at Cafe Latte again and had GREAT desserts, I also had some kind of raspberry mocha something. mmmmmmmm

Thursday, uh, April 21

Oh, so Wed night I went to practice, then stayed at Bre's. I had told him I wasn't going to, but then it seemed to me like he thought I was, so then I decided to, and he was surprised, like, oh, I didn't know you were staying. communication. What a concept.
Wait wait, somewhere in there I had an interview. What day was that? Wednesday? Or Friday? Sheesh.
So, Thursday, must have drove back home, yes, because I left the dog at home, Amy was watching her. Thursday I did my thing and Bre and Eric came up, we must have cooked out, yeah. It was cool, specially marshmellows. They left right after I believe.
Friday...Friday must have been the appointment, right, because that was why I stayed here. It went ok (or so I thought at the time). I must have come home and ran after, I am sure I didn't before...OH, wait, got that wrong, Thursday night we went to the Panda Garden Buffet. Yes, because Eric needed new clothes for Grandma's party. Yes, that was fun. Shopping and hanging out, lots of laughter. That cook out thing, that happened the week before. heh heh. Getting old, Martha...