Pets

As you can clearly see, I have not yet begun to work! I just wanted to see how this would go...and she goes very well here. This is my baby. Whom I was quite angry with this afternoon when I caught her with her head in the kitty litter. Dang. Luckily, I changed to some very eco friendly sawdust type pine litter and so I am less worried about what the litter is doing in the dogs tummy.
And here is the cute kitty who uses the litter...

Its the little things

It really is amazing, the little things that seem to ruin or make a day. Bre has been having trouble with waking up early and it is starting to have an effect on me, too. So I was going to say how exhausted I am, but I am totally planning to do at least two hours of work before sleeping, so it seems silly to complain now.
The thing is, I am working these afternoon - evening hours, so I really need to get up later, do my workout later, that kind of thing, so that I am not exhausted at 8 pm. I do have appointments that go to 10 sometimes. Well, I do for now, anyway. It seems my job may be in jeopardy - again.
I know that I am attracting this somehow (I would like to blame it on Minnesotans, but since I moved here of my own free will, damnit, I cannot blame them altogether) but I cannot figure out how.
I know I have the old not worthy button, but I have always had that, as far as I can remember. Ok, maybe not ALWAYS but for a long time. And I have done well for myself in the world of work previous to this recent series of events. What is it?
I tried to relate it to the accident, that was a major event in my life, after all. But I did fine the first few years (hmmmmm, not the very first year, but all the others) until last year...
Then I considered the idea that I was compensating (or decompensating?) for my very good relationship with Bre - in the past, I had pretty much everything together execpt relationship stuff, now somehow I decided that my relationship is great, everything else needs to fail. But that doesn't seem right either.
What else have I considered...Oh, I considered not wanting to do too well so to emphasize Bre's importance...Yeah, I ditched that one pretty quick too.
Ok, work first, fret later.

A meeting

Yeah, ok, so now I have a meeting set for tomorrow with the boss and my supervisor. The thing is, the thing that gets to me is that this is so not about performance. The boss is asking for cases back from me because I haven't seen the clients, but she didn't ask why I hadn't seen the clients or anything like that. And all of them are clients I asked her about at one time or another. I feel like this is one of those MNs thing that I have been too direct and irritated a couple of people and so now they want me to "go away" (yes, say that with your best 4-year-old voice).

Even at Riverwind they are going through changes and asking people if they are committed to the place. First of all, what person says, "no. I am not committed to doing my job. I am out of here."? Very few people would, I think. I mean, if you were that straight up and hones, wouldn't you have already left? Secondly, did they bother to check who does the job well? Isn't that part of the deal?

making changes

Yeah, keep trying to add popdex thing to my site, but I can't seem to make it work! Guess I need to spend more time in HTML classes...

Nerja

Hi out there, all you helpful blog readers...I am planning a vacation in Spain. I think Bre and I have decided on the town of Nerja. Anyone have any experience with this area? Any ideas or advice?
Post, post!

Tell Me a Secret: So...

This is an awesome site...

International Space Shuttle

Ok, so, the space shuttle will be visible this month...here are some listings...

oh and the website if you need to look up your own city...

http://spaceflight.nasa.gov/realdata/sightings/cities/index.cgi


took the listings out, they were bothering my set up!

All in a days work

Ok, so more discussion about my job and what days I will be working at the crisis center. I am seriously burning out at 6 days a week. I am. So I kind of agreed to drop my Saturdays and go ahead and work Thursdays. Which will make me less burnt out, in theory. However, the idea was to get more appointments in on Thursdays. Besides the fact that maybe, just maybe, this crisis center job is kind of an "ace in the hole" for me, something I am holding onto just in case...just in case the bottom falls out or something. Which is basically like saying I BELIEVE that the bottom will fall out so I need this thing - this job - for the just in case. Which will happen as long as I am 100% behind it. Which I also believe. So, does that mean I need to cast this job to the wind? As I was thinking about this, one of the clients came to me and said, Martha? Can I talk to you a minute?
I have heard this several times since I worked at the crisis center. I am good, damnit, at listening to people. People want to talk to me. Which is great. And which is one of the times I feel really useful there. And I kind of love what I am doing. I mean, the idea of a place where you can go when it feels like the world is after you, a place where you are supported 24 hours a day for a few days is awesome. I wish there were a way to offer it to all people. I guess we did, back in the days when we had strong family/community ties (or maybe we never did and I am just glamorizing a past I only heard of distantly - my family was definitely not part of that social circle). Supporting people where they are is part of what I totally believe in.
So. Felt less like casting that job out.
And had a brief but wonderful session with another client from the OTHER job today too. So while some of the office stuff I could do without, I was definitely loving that job too.
What does it all mean, Alfie?
Who is John Galt?

Testing out the email feature. Amazing what technology can do these days, no?

working

Yeah, so working two jobs is getting tiresome. My goals were once to work at a place where I can express my talents, work in a place that I feel respected, work for a fair wage...
Now my goal is: more money, less driving.
No no, not really. Well, some really. The thing is, you know, if I felt respected and like my talents were being expressed, I could probably suck it up that I am making not much money. Or if I were making goo gobs of money, I could probably (maybe) suck it up (oh, ok already...I did try working for corporate america once and only lasted 6 weeks...) for a while, anyway.
Or maybe not.
Ok. Back to standing by my beliefs.
Running now.

Gotta get out

and do cardio now...

Well, the body for life plan is in effect. I have been doing it almost a week now, and I tell ya, while I was never a paid employee of the government, there is something to be said for structure. Really. I don't have to get up and wonder what I should do today, I have a nice plan all set up for me. And it is easy to follow. Am I starting to sound like an advertisement? Well, if so...so what? Better than promoting...uh...other unsavory products? Yeah, whatever. All I know is, I like it. So there.
How did that go so wrong there?

New news

Yeah, this is cool. I am going to subscribe, but until that first issue arrives...

http://www.clamormagazine.org/

Juicy Fruiter

Juicy Fruiter

Organics Unite!

http://www.storewars.org/flash/

From Clamor Magazine

From clamormagazine.org

UK: $27K for your son. Israel: $200-300K for your property.

Who knew that one settler’s home in the Gaza Bank was worth 7.4 times the life of one Brazilian immigrant murdered by police in England?

The Israeli government has promised a substantial number of shekels to relocated settlers, starting at $200,000. Meanwhile, the London Metropolitan Police have sent a crass letter — offerring $27,000 — to the family of the deceased brasileno.

As most folks with access to the media know by now is that Jean Charles de Menezes was shot in the London Tube on July 22nd. What the corporate media was reluctant to divulge was that de Menezes was shot five times in the head after being tackled by numerous police officers. That excessive force and other questionable claims by the authorities — such as de Menezes’ clothing and how he entered the Tube — are keeping this investigation in the spotlight in England and Brazil.

And the withdrawal of Israeli settlers from settlements inside the occupied territories has proceeded in the last week, despite media coverage that was extensive and dramatic. (For perspective, when did Mugabe’s bulldozing homes in Zimbabwe merit such attention? or the eviction of Latinos in Long Island?)

Yet for all the uproar, those departing Gaza — whether asked, pushed, pulled — have a large check awaiting them. For land that was in occupied territories in the first place. A tactical move intended to secure a larger land grab in the West Bank, according to Gush-Shalom (who identify as the “hard core of the Israeli peace movement”).

Part of the Change

Found this link

On my "friends" page on livejournal....I LOVE this idea. I had never even heard of "Humanity's Team." Glad I caught it, and just at the right time, as usual.

Go, check it out.

http://www.nealedonaldwalsch.com/partofchange/cards.cfm

No, I mean, go, right now! smile

ADD

Do you suppose it is a symptom of ADD when you call someone and the whole time you are talking to them they are talking to other people and can hardly hear what you are saying? This happens with Bre often and it drives me crazy. If it were me and I were too busy to talk, I would a) not answer my phone or b) tell you right away that I am in the middle of something and ask if I could call you back.

But to tell the truth, I don't think he was too involved to talk, I think he just doesn't think the conversation needs his attention. That sounds horrible, but that is the way I think lots of our conversation goes. If I say, my calves are sore, his immediate response is that his tendon is sore. He doesn't even bother with, "oh, really? You know, my tendon..." It is almost as if he didn't even hear me. Just enough to remind him of something he wanted to say...Oh, like a couple of weeks ago (this is bad, Martha, really bad that you are compiling these things) we were on the phone and I said that the county had called me back (job prospect) and he said, "oh, there was a job listing that came out for current employees (which he is, not me) and it had something to do with sign language." "What was the job?" I asked. Now, I could have stayed on track with my story, but I though, ok, Martha, he wants to say something and you need to listen. Then he went on, he couldn't remember really what it was about, etc and then changed the subject and we got off the phone 10 minutes later and he never asked me about the county (getting a full-time job has only been my #1 goal for 8 months now) as if I had never said a word. What the hell is that about?! Who would not notice that?
I am really annoyed by that behavior. I don't think it means he doesn't care about me, but it still really annoys me. I know it is a bad habit but dang.

Currently reading: Your Blues Ain't Like Mine (Ballantine Reader's Circle) By Bebe Moore Campbell Release date: By 10 August, 1993

Dog goal

My poor puppy. I set a goal about two weeks ago to walk her every day. Back when we lived in those many apartments, we walked or ran every day. Now that I have the house, well, suffice it to say it has become more of an event. And she is getting older and she could use the walk - besides the fact that she likes it. In two weeks we have managed 3 walks, I think. And now I am getting ready to head out to work again...poor baby. Maybe we could make it out if we left right now...

Body for life

Current mood: determined

Ok, so, a few days ago I got a way too good look at myself in a full-length mirror. I know that beauty isn't everything etc etc, however, I was not pleased at all with what I saw. I actually considered surgery for a while...I was thinking, yeah, tummy tuck, how bad can that be? Yeah, ok, so I looked it up online and was shocked back to reality, looking at before and after photos...

After feeling crappy and depressed a while, I decided that now was the time to do something about it. Those of you who know me know that I have tended to be healthy over all, vegetarian/semi vegetarian, I run, I eat organic, I don't drink or smoke (ok, the occasional cigarette or margarita - you know what I mean!), I do lots of things right. And I have had "issues" with my weight more or less since I was 18. I have had periods in my life where I felt good about the way I look, but I have also spent hours and hours running and lifting weights and doing STEP aerobic and trying to get leaner.

Over the years, I have found that for me, hitting it hard has not paid off. When I was running the most miles and spending the most time at the gym, I didn't lose an inch. I did lose inches while doing a very mild exercise program once, and lost some pounds when I did what my doc told me and began eating 6 times a day and I also lost some pounds when I was spending every early evening dancing (yeah, at a bar, at happy hour, pretty much alone on the dance floor).

I also lost some pretty decent inches in 11 weeks with Body for Life when I did it with my sister.

So, that is the thing. I am not prepared to find a bar and dance every evening at happy hour, I don't think I can find the fitness instructor that led the library staff in calisthenics all those years ago, but I can do the body for life plan. In fact, I am going to invite my sister to do it with me.

Currently listening: Race Is on By George Jones Release date: By 20 June, 1995

Goals

Goals are good...I like having them...here there are.

Meditate twice a day - whenever

Sleep...need a goal about sleep...I was doing very well at getting my 8 hours...I have never slept 8 hours a night, even as a kid I woke up early and tried to stay up till everyone was in bed...anyway I tried it out and was kind of getting into it...I was getting up and going back to sleep when Bre was there, but it was working...I am kind of going on and on here...

You know, I was reading my wise womyn friend's blog entries and I was so inspired, I wanted to write something that might inspire someone...but I see this is not the time...

Moving my body...formally and informally...running, lifting, dancing. Do you know how long it has been since I went dancing?! Way too long. A few months, at least. Maybe Friday.

The thing is...

That every moment is new. I can choose, and choose and choose. Right now. And now. And now.

Working in my field, that is great, actually using my degree to generate money, cool.

In a healthy, happy, growing relationship. Very cool.

I have pretty much given up being a vegetarian, instead I am a food snob...nothing that has been mistreated, no processing, no chemicals, no refined sugar, no blah blah blah. Ok, not really NO processing, sugar etc. Just not much of it. That is swell.

I run, I work out, I have a membership to the Y (thanks, Bre) and my body still does pretty much everything I ask it to. More wonderfulness.

Could meditate more, could yoga more, could rest more, but really, I am doing pretty fine.

Today is my sister's birthday

So. I have had a rough week....maybe two weeks. Better ask Bre, he might make it longer than that even. I am feeling down and generally so...it is somehow worse for me than feeling bad about something...even the work thing...

If I feel bad about something, then often I can turn that frown upside down...see the good parts of it or its usefulness...

General feeling bad colors my life in washed out cotton weave, heavy and cloying, damp and lifeless. My days are long, drawn out affairs, with periods of near spastic movement, an underlying feeling of dread urging everything along. Along, not forward, but somehow out and around, pressing up against the need to change but never quite breaking free. Sharp spikes of time break up the line and keep the grey from peeling back and revealing color. Ideas surface like bubbles in mud and are just as rapidly covered over again.

Love? Light? Joy?

whatever

Currently reading: Atlas Shrugged By Ayn Rand Release date: By 01 August, 1999

work

I spent so much time looking for work...and now that I have work...I am still unhappy. I have explained my unhappiness over and over again until even I am sick of hearing it. I know that telling my unhappy story over and over only cements it in my mind, in the universe, but somehow, I don't stop myself.

I read some wise womyn's blog and she talked about changing her attitude...I am sure I can use that to my advantage...Change it to what, though? What is it I want?

I want to write. I want to help people. I want to live and love and feel respected. I want to serve.

Whate am I doing? I do help people. I do live and love and I feel respected by some...

Did I mention how envious and and and and what else did I feel? Envious and maybe kind of stupid while listening to my friend in Denver talk about her new course of study. I felt envious that my studies have not captured me like that in a long time. And stupid in that I feel like I never did my passions justice somehow, I didn't learn enough somehow. I am sure I cannot speak on psychology with nearly the deapth and breadth that she spoke of archeology.

Currently reading: Take Off Your Glasses and See : A Mind/Body Approach to Expanding Your Eyesight and Insight By Jacob Liberman Release date: By 14 November, 1995

Overnights again

Yes, something like the friend that only calls you when they need something...somehow I have gotten so far from writing, I don't even write for myself anymore. How does that happen? I know that writing about things helps me process, helps me feel better, even, yet in recent times of trial...hmmmm. What have I been doing?

I think I remember...yessssss...I know what I have been doing. Nothing. I mean nothing for me...not really. I find myself rushing from to do item to to do item...I hate rushing around like that. I have been disorganized and way too messy around my desk (yeah, I am a neat freak about once a week when I am myself - you know, I let it build up a while then I can't take it anymore and I have to clean everything). I have run but only because I felt like I SHOULD...what happened to my favorite saying, "never should on yourself or anyone else"? Have I forgotten the eye of my father? Yes, I think I have...

Currently listening: The Remix Album: Diamonds Are Forever By Shirley Bassey Release date: By 13 February, 2001